i've been there.

A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not
Lyrics by Bright Eyes

sitting around, no work today
try pacing to keep awake
laying around, no school today
just drink until the clock has circled all the way
it is late afternoon
as you walk through the rooms
of a house that is quiet
except for unanswered telephones
you stand near the sink
while you're mixing a drink
you think you don't want to pass out
where your roommates will find you again
stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
you're always looking for something
to sniff, smoke, or swallow
calling over next door to see what they got
but you would settle for anything
that would make your brain slow down or stop
break this circle of thoughts you chase
before they catch back up with you
and your parents noticed your thinning face,
all the weight you lost
all the weight you are losing
you said, "i'm done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking dead"
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you have made
and stop counting on that camera
that hangs round your neck
because it won't ever remember
what you choose to forget
as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
and light you never had to look for it
but now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
until all you want is to finish this half empty glass
before the ice melts away
this feeling used to pass
but seems like it's every day and every night now

oh, h-e- double hockey sticks.

today, two and 1/2 months after i started running again and nearly three months since my boot came off, it's back on.

yeah. i'm not sure how or when or why i reinjured my stress fracture. i was taking it slow. i wasn't overdoing it. i was taking days off and rest days and easy days and crosstraining days and then there were the days when i really felt like running and still, for the sake of my foot, said "no."

but somehow, my foot is killing me and the only thing that will make it stop is my stupid, ugly aircast boot that i hate with every ounce of my being. i hate it because it's cumbersome and heavy. i hate it because today at whole foods, a woman actually ran into it with her shopping cart because she said she "couldn't figure out how to get around it." i hate it because now that it's winter, i can't wear shorts or capris or skirts with it. and pants don't fit over its width. i hate it. and, though i realize how stupid this sounds, i hate it because i can't wear my new jeans with it. the ones i spent a small fortune on. the ones that will now sit in my closet on hangers - a waste of their existence.

i'd also gotten really fast again. at running. faster and stronger than before. and i was enjoying it more than ever. and i had a new running buddy and my legs were getting really defined and i was feeling good about life - because that's what running helps with. my sanity.

anyway, you know all this. i ranted about it before. i guess i just didn't think it would happen again. and this time - the second time - is harder on me than the first.

i'm all a muck

could it be true that grey's anatomy is a rerun tonight? my thursday is totally thrown off.

DVR, Killer Whale Cocktails and being honest.

So, I’m fessing up. Not that it will be a big surprise, but I’m kind of addicted to “What About Brian,” the television show I swore I would hate.
And, to be fair, I did hate the first episode. But now, I DVR it every week.

Oh, did I tell you we got DVR? I was vehemently opposed to the idea until Nick told me it only cost $5 a month. So, we got it and I began to love it and to need it and then, when we got our bill and I realized that it cost more than $5 a month, I was okay with it. I figure it’s worth it. It’s a valuable tool. I mean, I can tape my Thursday night shows on Thursday night and watch them whenever I want. This frees up a lot of my time for cleaning, running, cooking and hanging out with my friends. Although, I’m pretty much in the market for some additional friends. Is anyone going to step up? Anyway, when I make more friends, it will be even better that I have DVR because I assume I’ll be busy beyond words with social engagements.

Speaking of social engagements, I accompanied Nick to a local charity fundraising event last weekend. We went because Nick’s company sponsored something – not because we run with the high society crowd. I was shocked. Shocked and awed by the amount of money being thrown around during the live auction. A Yorkie went for more than $1,000. Plastic surgery was auctioned off and the list goes on and on. And anyway, it was amazing and the people-watching category. So, thanks to the free killer whale cocktails and food, I was a happy camper.

Right now I'm a happy camper, too, due to the chili cheese Fritos my friend gave me. And due to the fact that I have an engaging night planned that includes cooking, running and watching What About Brian. Maybe I'll even indulge in a glass of vino. Here's to DVR.

shadows of white

i love this picture. getting amy into that dress was a well-coordinated affair. just look at how big it is.

about the jeans. (a really long, slightly sarcastic ode to my Sevens)

due to popular demand. well, really due to two requests, i'm blogging about my jeans. the designer jeans. the ones that changed my life. saying two pair of jeans are life-changing may seem like a bit much. but it's not. it's true. and here's why.

my life before the designer jeans was fine. i completed every-day tasks with vigor and enthusiasm. i found outfits to wear each day from my closets full of non-designer clothing. and i always had enough to eat, enough warmth and enough love to get me through. but something - something was missing.

my jeans never fit right.

now for a bit of a related tangent:
a few years ago i started to notice women wearing heels with jeans. heels. with jeans. what? and i thought it looked silly and uncomfortable and like something i would never, ever do. so i stuck to my 'jeans shoes' and to flats. i became quite fond of a particular pair of light pink leather flats that i purchased on sale at DSW. i loved them. so much that the light pink soon turned even lighter and ugly black scuff marks began to appear at the toe. it was a sad day when i realized the light pink flats were no longer up to snuff. but, i digress.

we're still talking about jeans:
i've purchased maybe 3 pair of jeans since college. One pair, a straight-legged, good-for-cuffing, dark blue jean, was purchased on sale at banana republic. but soon, the straight-leg style looked out-of-fashion and odd. and i didn't like the way the ankle of the jeans meshed with my shoes. those were quickly designated 'just for summertime cuffing.'

i bought another pair on sale at anthropologie. and when i say 'on sale,' i mean it. $25 for a $100-pair of jeans. i like them. but they are a shade of blue that i'm not obsessed with. and they stretch out easily. they're also long and only look right with boots. so, these jeans were 'for winter only.'

my third pair of jeans since college is a pair i bought from dillards. the brand is see through soul. and i like them only for about the first 30 minutes of wearing them. then, they stretch out to all hell and get baggy in strange places. they end up falling too low beyond my 'crack' and getting too baggy in the thighs. they are the perfect length for flats, though, which is good for my fooot and my recovering stress fracture. so, i still wear them from time to time.

one day, while wearing my dillard's jeans, my mind was preoccupied with how they were stretching and didn't look right and how i just wished i had a perfect pair of jeans. and i went home early that day and turned on Oprah and it was the episode about jeans and how finding the right fit in the right style will make any woman look slimmer, taller, more fun, sexier and like a cover girl. okay. maybe not more fun, sexier and like a model, but i can dream, right?

so, i started investigating the designer jeans idea. my sister had a few pair of sevens. and i knew she loved them. and i saw girls around the office wearing them and they looked great and cute and fun. and so, i started exploring my options. first, i went to a local high-quality thrift store. they had sevens. but not my size. i'm not a 21 or 22 or even a 24 and so i was out of luck at getting them for the cheap thrift-store price of $70.

i looked online. but, i wanted to try them on first as it is, according to Oprah, very important to try them on, get the right fit and pay no attention to what size they are. as long as they look great, who cares if they're a size 8 or 12 or 6, right? right.

so, i broke down and went to nordstrom's. actually, nick surprised me and took me to nordstrom's where i was overwhelmed by the vastness of the designer jeans department. i must have taken 30 pair into the fitting room. i found on pair that i loved. and i mean, LOVED. they're the "7" pocket sevens. and they rock. and then, i tried on a pair of Citizens of Humanity, a somewhat lower-priced brand, and LOVED them, too. and while i was planning all along to pick ONE pair, nick said I could have both. what? yes.

to top it off, according to Oprah, pointy-toed heels beneath jeans make the legs look longer and the jeans look better, which is totally true. thankfully, i already had one pair. and i had a gift certificate to DSW to buy another pair. so now, i'm set. and let me just tell you that i am so happy. these jeans fit. like a glove. and after a day (or two) of wear, they still look perfect. not stretched out. not wrinkled. not baggy. not too short or too long. perfect.

and they're comfortable. and they look good with t-shirts or sweaters or hoodies or blouses or just on the hanger. yes, they look great on the hanger. and i never worry anymore about what jeans will go with what shoes because my deigner jeans look good with my pointy heels. and i'm okay with that.

if you're still reading, thank you. and go get the woman in your life a pair of designer jeans. or two.

some observations

1. It's winter. I'm not ready for it. I got the wool coat out for the first time today. It doesn't feel right to already be sporting it. But I was warmer today. And that felt right.

2. At the wedding, Amy and Tim had their first dance to "Sideways" by Citizen Cope. I fricken love it.

3. I'm glad Halloween is around the corner because there is an abundance of candy at the office.

4. I think I need to buy some of my own candy. You know, just incase the abundance runs out.

5. I may need to start running more since the candy is overflowing and I'm easily partaking.

6. I bought my first designer jeans and they have changed my life. Changed it.

she got married

This weekend my sister got married. My baby sister.
We took lots of pictures before. Nick captured some with our digital camera.
It was raining, so we couldn't take pictures outside. We had lots of time to kill in the big room in the basement. Here are Amy and Jonelle.

Nick came to see Amy in the big room. Everyone wanted to see her before the ceremony. Probably because she was the most beautiful bride ever. Here are Nick and I looking pretty good if you ask me.
After the ceremony, the best man and I got to ride in the limo with Amy and Tim. Here I am with Tim who had just proclaimed - after mistakingly touching my leg - that he is my brother now. We got champagne in the limo. Yum.

The cake was beautiful and tasty.

Amy looks freaked out here.

As the matron of honor, I had to give a toast. I got laughter. I got tears. I got sweaty palms.

After the toasting, the reception got crazy. My mom shouted over the DJ's sweet thumping tunes, "I've never seen a reception come so alive as this....do I have green things in my teeth?!" Then, these kids started break dancing.

And Nick and I were proclaimed the best dancers of the event. We don't even usually dance. I don't think Nick made this face the entire night. Gosh, I hope not.

oh what a night

my sister is getting married next weekend. yesterday, she turned 21. she also had her bachelorette party. the evening started with dinner at the elephant bar. we both had steak sandwiches. i ate tons of fries. she opted for a side salad. nick got chicken. but first, we took yard pictures like we were going to homecoming or prom.

i like this picture because i look so much taller than my cute, petite sister. but do i look older? i am 6 years her senior and often get asked if i'm the younger one.

oh, we didn't mean to both wear the same sort of shirt. it was actually kind of annyoing.


after dinner and after the grandpa and the parents left, amy stayed to have a shot with her fiance who has been legal for quite some time.


it was some sort of red bull shot. it looked nasty. then, nick dropped us off at the plaza. after several stops, we attempted to get into blonde. but you have to be on the VIP guest list. so, jonelle and i hung back as amy and paige tried to sweet talk the bouncer. it was annoying. but we did it for amy. and it didn't work the first time. so, off we went.

an hour and a half later we were back in line - trying to gain access to the posh and exclusively overpriced blonde. you have to be fabulous to get in. at least we all had on fabulous shoes. my feet, by the way, were killing me. (i'm the one in the pointy heels)


jonelle and i were pretty annoyed at this point. we had now been waiting to be "let in" by the bouncer in the suit for an hour.

that's his chest hair. and that's his fancy water. he also had dimonds around his watch. he was very popular with the ladies. they would come out to use their cell phones in their short, short skirts and lingerie tops and they would touch his stomach as they walked by.

this guy got right in. probably because he played on the world cup team. he was blinging like crazy. check out those shades. he wore them inside the entire night. it was very dark in there. oh, and check out the bling on his hoodie. that's probably one expensive hoodie. and look at that earring - play on, playa.

after running into a friend from 8th grade who claimed he would get us "catholic school girls" right on in and an hour and several minute wait, the bouncer said he felt sorry for us and let us past the velvet rope. pathetic. here is proof. a drink from blonde. vodka and diet. yum.


now that we were VIPs, too, amy and paige began to dance like they wanted to. you know, they left their cares behind. but this only lasted until amy got kicked off the back of the bench she was sitting on. i don't think her outfit was revealing enough.


i can't even begin to describe the rediculousness of blonde. but here is a good summary picture. (read between the lines, look close, yes, that woman is giving that man a lap dance with her clothes on. yep, later she did more than that.) there was even a stripper poll. and a scary man walking around trying to give us "free drinks" ...um, can you say date-rape pills? no thank you, mister.

after watching several people nearly fornicating on the benches and stripper poll and tables and right next to me, we were finished with blonde and its hot bodies and loud beats so we called nick to pick us up. it was 2 a.m. but at least they played "Thriller" for our last dance. here we are. looking cool.
amy spent the night at our house. from 2:30 to 7:30 a.m., we were up every hour. i made her a bed in the hall right outside the bathroom. i slept in the hall with her for a little bit. so did nick. so did gus. it was a family affair, really. she thinks she got food poisoning from her sushi lunch. maybe. maybe not.

stuffed

There is a diner
with yellow stools
and yellow walls.
And it’s bright
and warm
and always sunny on that side of the street.
It’s where they go
to escape.
To run from the
darkness
of thoughts
and the way they never seem to do
exactly what they planned.
They drink coffee and forget
pain
and unrealized potential
dead uncles
and overbearing mothers
backstabbing friends
and dead-end jobs
money
and brokenness.

They eat pie
and stuff tears
deep inside temporarily satisfied bellies.

They lick the whipped cream off their spoon and sigh

They breathe differently there

fully

with gusto

and purpose

at the diner
with yellow walls.

Rob to the rescue.

I got a flat tire on the way to work. This is what happened.

I was driving along, talking to Rob (friend/neighbor/coworker/carpool buddy/bathroom renovator/lawn mower lender/flood light installer) about how this time of year has been mucho expensive for Nick and I and about how hot the day was supposed to get and stuff like that. This motorcycle guy kept riding right along side my car motioning at us. Rob said, “What the heck is that guy’s problem?” I said, “Maybe I have a flat tire.” So, I rolled down the window and sure enough, that was the news from the mouth of the motorcycle dude.

So, I pulled over to the shoulder, and Rob got out to look for the flat. Nope, no flat on the right side. So, he got back in the car. I then said “I wonder if it is on the left side.” Yes, it was.

So, um, out loud while lightly banging my head on the driver’s side window, I proclaimed, “Oh, no – WHAT am I going to do???? Rob, Nick can come pick you up and take you to work.” And in my mind, I was thinking I should call a tow truck and I was wishing I was still a member of AAA and I was worrying about how would I get to work while my car was in the shop and, well, you can imagine what else went through my head. Until Rob said “Um, why don’t we just change it?”

Right.

Rob instructed me to drive down the highway at no more than 30mph and to exit onto this side road so we could find a place to change the tire without our butts hanging out onto I-70. Good suggestion.

We found a spot and parked the car. It’s funny because this is really the last time “we” came into the equation. “So, do you want to change the tire or do you want to learn how, ” Rob asked. And I said “Um, I can learn.”

By the way, readers, I know nothing about changing a tire. So, Rob started jacking the car up and got out the wrench (or is it a tire iron?) I don’t know…anyway, he said I could do it if I wanted, but I wasn’t good at it and it was taking FOREVER, so I just watched the rest of the time.

So today, Rob changed my tire.

And then, I drove to work on the donut.

And over lunch, I plan to have the tire patched.

But I like to tell people that I changed a tire on the way to work. I do have dirt on the knees of my jeans from looking at Rob changing the tire. So, my story is somewhat believable.

get it. listen to it. love it.

the ugly organ. by cursive.
quite simply a masterpiece.