if it's not one thing, it's another

i went to the podiatrist today. just to make sure my foot pain wasn't serious. i'm glad i went.

i have morton's neuroma. it's a condition where the nerve between your toes (typically the 3rd and 4th toe) becomes inflamed. this causes all sorts of pain and tingling feelings and it's the reason why, for the past month, i've felt like i was walking on the bone of the ball of my foot. and that sensation isn't exactly soothing.

the doctor said my neuroma is mid-sized. and i caught it quick - it's only been bothering me for a month. the good news is that i can continue to run as long as i can stand the pain. (although, my pain threshold isn't that high) so, to translate, the good news is that running won't make it worse.

i'm supposed to pre-medicate a run with 4ish advil. and i need a series of 7 to 10 cortizone (spelled wrong, but i don't care today) shots.
i had the first shot today. straight into the swollen nerve. it was neither nice nor fun, but i'm hoping it will work.

if the shots work well, the nerve will shrink down enough and i won't feel it anymore. if the shots don't work, surgery to remove the nerve is required.

it's out-patient surgery and some runners are up and running again 4 weeks later. we'll see. and mostly, we'll hope i never get to that point.

and yes, i just referenced myself as a "we," but i promise i'm not going insane. there is only one of me here.

if i had only known.

my foot was feeling better so, i got these. because it's cold now. and i need them. not because they are cute and at all flattering. i do kind oif think they make me look like a hardcore runner. but that's beside the point.


and i ran in them. once. becasue then my foot started hurting again. but not in the same place i hurt it before. this time it was between my toes and on the ball of my foot. it felt like i was walking on the bone with no padding. whatsoever. and it hurt. and friday, i woke up and both feet hurt. and i could hardly walk. and i was crying and depressed and wondering what on earth i was doing wrong.

and so, as a last ditch effort, i went here. see, i had been going to another running shoe store that was also staffed by "expert runners." but my feet hurt and i wanted to blame the shoes and not my running and so, i tried the new place.

first thing the shoe fitter guru guy said was that my custom-made, pricey, podiatrist-directed insert was NOT FOR RUNNING. what?!? "but the podiatrist told me i had to run with it. she said i wouldn't get hurt if i was wearing it. she said it would prevent future stress fractures. she was lying," i thought. or maybe she didn't know any better. anyway, i digress.

second thing the guru, runner, fitter said to me was that my shoes were 1/2 size too big and that they were not the right shoe for my foot and my pronation problems. what?!?! "but the other specialty running store fit me in these shoes. they said they were the right ones for me. they lied," i thought. or maybe they didn't know better, but i digress again.

so he pulled a shoe down from a stack of boxes and then took an OFF THE SHELF insert with a higher arch support, which he said would be better for my foot, and replaced the insole of the shoe with it.

then, he had me put it on. i did, i stood up and my feet DIDN'T HURT.
not one bit.

so, i bought these.

and the off the shelf arch support. and i bought into his advice and anyway, i'm never going back to Garry Gribbles again. and i'm looking forward to wearing my running tights soon. to run in. not to just wear. because they are ugly and tight and ugly.

gobble, gobble.

thanksgiving came and went like a balmy breeze in the summer. only it was winter. and 70 degrees. and wonderful. we had dinner at amy and tim's. here is the hectic kitchen pre-meal. go, nick, go!

Tim has great knives. Here he is sharpening one of them before carving the turkey, which happened to be one of the best I've ever tasted.

In between carving and setting the table, Amy and I stopped for a photo opp.

There are Nick and my dad. How many guys does it take to carve one turkey?


I brought the green bean casserolle. Check it out.

That's my mom. Isn't she pretty?


I think Tim and Amy made enough mashed potatoes for everyone to have one pound. There's the heaping bowl. And there was just as much left in the Kitchen-Aid mixer. Yum.




A plate with all the fixin's. Green bean casserole, twiced baked sweet potaotes, turkey, a roll and salad. I just realized, we forgot to eat cranberries. Shoot.

We didn't forget to drink wine, though. Here we are, full, photogenic and pretty much at our best.

a thanksgiving list (or a glimpse into the randomness inside my head).

1. I am thankful for music. I listen to it all day. Right now, I’m obsessing over Modest Mouse and Bright Eyes — the old stuff.

2. When I wake up in the morning, I actually want to go to work. For the first time ever. It feels good.

3. Traditionally, I put up Christmas decorations the weekend after Thanksgiving while enjoying a glass or two of wine. This year, I jumped the gun and put them up the weekend before turkey day. I’m glad I did.

4. I didn’t drink any wine while adding holiday cheer to the house this year.

5. My holiday decorations have a purple and red theme. I don’t have a Christmas tree, because I don’t have room.

6. Nick bought a potted “Living Christmas tree” from Lowe’s last weekend. I don’t want to display it because the pot is ugly.

7. Maybe I should just buy a new pot.

8. I’ve also been considering buying a smallish fake tree that comes with lights.

9. I think pre-lit trees are the greatest invention ever.

10. I also think Whole Food’s whipped cream is a pretty great invention. And Fritos. This year, I’m thankful for Fritos.

11. I’m making the green bean casserole to accompany a turkey made by my brother-in-law. And, I’m buying a pie. I’m not a baker. Period. I am a French-fried onion lover though and I may have already eaten half the can.

12. I should buy another can of fried onions so that the casserole has an ample amount.

13. I’ve spent most Thanksgiving nights attending the Plaza lighting celebration or talking about attending and then deciding it is too cold, which resulted in me watching it on TV.

14.This year, while the temperature is going to be a balmy 72 degrees, I’m not even considering dealing with the crowd and the drunk people and the parking because Grey’s Anatomy has a larger-than-life, longer-than-normal episode that will be airing and you’d better believe I’ll be watching.

15. I’ll also be DVRing it. For Paula.

16. I will watch it again with her. I’ve seen almost every episode this season twice.

17. While Grey’s Anatomy has been my longtime favorite show, The Office is slowly beating it out for my Emmy nomination.

18. I think McSteamy ruins the plot.

19. My foot is injured again, again. Subsequently, I’m missing the best running weather of the winter.

20. I am, however, putting in lots of quality time on the stationary bike at the gym. It makes me want to shoot myself.

21. Okay, I don’t really want to shoot myself. But it’s placed right next to the treadmills, so it’s like the gym is rubbing running in my face.

22. Speaking of faces, I went to my first Arbon party on Saturday.

23. While I understand the value of the product and while I would really like to see what type of difference it could make for my skin and my health and my overall ability to put my best face forward, I’m not sure I’m willing to cough up more than $100 per month to support an Arbon habit.

24. I would be more willing to spend the cash if our health insurance hadn’t just gone up.

25. Damn the man.

26. Being a man would seemingly be easier and cheaper. Men’s clothes are cheaper, products are cheaper and in general, they just need less.

27. Except for the “metro” man. They need more.

28. I’m glad I’m a woman.

being broken.

When I was little — really little, like 4 or 5 — I had this white turtleneck with red, blue and yellow hearts on it. Only the hearts weren’t whole. They were broken down the middle, and the word “heartbreaker” was beneath each one. My mom dressed me in that shirt often. I wore it with jeans and with a brown corduroy skirt and each time I did, I remember feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I think it’s the first time I mentally realized what I was wearing and wondered what other people would think.

At that tender age, my problem with the shirt was not the color or the fit or the way it made me look, it was with its message. Heartbreaker. I was ashamed to wear it. My mom probably thought it was cute, but I thought it was horribly embarrassing. I didn’t want people to think I broke hearts. I didn’t even know what a broken heart felt like. But I assumed it didn’t feel good. I felt labeled. And I felt everyone’s eyes on me when I wore it. Even though, I knew they weren’t.

Through the years, I’ve struggled with caring too much about what I perceive other people feel about me. About the way I look or how smart I am or if my outfit is ridiculous or trendy or too trendy or too tight or too loose or if I’m pretty or ugly or fat or thin or if my opinions are well-thought-out and supported with thought and fact and if when I drive, I take the best route to the best location. About my cooking and my singing and my talents and my lack-there-of, and my messes and my cleanliness and my life and my writing and my run-on-sentences and my politics and morals and the way I scrunch my face up in all sorts of ways all the time.

I’ve always wished I could be someone who just doesn't care about what other people think. At all. You know those people. You might be one of them. They're able to make a fool of themselves in front of anyone and they’re honest about everything including struggles and issues and fears and hopes. I want to be like that.

And I’d like to think I’m on my way.

A couple of years ago, I was running on the treadmill at the gym and I was going fast. Really fast. Because it was pre-ipod nano era, I had my walkman sport with the broken armband stashed in the drink compartment on the treadmill and I had the headphones on and the volume cranked up and I was flying. And then, like a slap across the face, I stepped wrong and pulled the walkman out of its compartment with such force that it flew across the room, battery going one way, battery lid going another. It made a loud noise and I almost fell of the treadmill. I was mortified.

This may have happened again not too long ago. And instead of being mortified and turning 18 shades of red, I was calm and collected. And I said to myself “Who seriously cares about what just happened? Nobody. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is clumsy sometimes. Everyone has bad days. Get over yourself and go pick up the pieces.”

So, I continue. Picking up the pieces of a life spent worrying about the wrong things for too long. And I’m putting them back in order. Slowly. But securely. With figurative superglue and rubber cement. And a damn strong vice grip.

the little things

i had some birthday money to spend. part of it was spent on this t-shirt.
it's cute, yes. but the best part, the thing that set it apart and propelled me across the line from considering to purchasing is that the strawberry on the front is scratch-n-sniff.

i know. i'm so 12 years old right now.

i frickin' did it.

i went through with my haircut. jack was running 30 minutes late, and i still went through with it. thanks for the advice.

i'm sure i'll eventually post a picture. maybe. right now, i just have bead head, which is so not post-worthy.


also, our siding is painted! i'll post pictures of that soon, too. WAY more yellow than i thought i'd picked, but it looks great.

sometimes, you take an informal poll.

Hi. This is what my hair looks like right now. This summer, it was quite a bit shorter and quite a bit edgier. Before that, it had grown out and kind of just hung there like limp, brunette nastiness. But when it was cut more often, I did have cute, side bangs. I thought they made me look artsy. Anyway, I've had three haircuts scheduled in the past month. And usually, up until the day before the cut, I HATE my hair with every ounce of my being. But then, as if by some act of God, I have a brilliant hair day the morning I'm supposed to visit Jack my hair stylist. And so, I cancel my cut because, I convince myself, my hair is cute. I have another of these dreaded haircut appointments scheduled for Saturday. I'm not sure if I'll go through with it or not. I was hoping you all could help. Should I cut it? Should I trim it up? Should I at least bring back the cute, edgy bangs? Help. Please.

another year older. and this time, i didn't get carded.

today was my birthday. last week was nick's birthday. tonight, we celebrated with friends. we got to the eating establishment in plenty of time to hold our table for 14. but still, they made us wait. and wait. and wait. so, P and i sat on this bench.

we finally got to sit down and everyone ordered food. after dinner, nick and i got birthday desserts and the happy birthday to you song. rob was going to take a picture of us blowing out my candle. nick blew it out before i could get to it. i was mad. he thought it was pretty great.

here's a shot of the guys looking like j. crew models. at least all of them save the one who wore his k-state windbreaker. how dare you, mark!

my friend lindsay and i like to pose with our tongues out. here's a great one.

i love my neighbors/friends/coworker/coworker's wife. it's a complicated relationship. more to love, right?

more pics around the table. no, sarah and i did not color coordinate. yes, i did wear k-state colors. again. but not because i wanted to. according to some people, i am a "winter," which means bright solid deep colors look good on me. or something like that. anyway, i like to wear purple.

here i am with those two crazy kids who just got married. guess that means tim is my brother. that's fine. it's just strange to call him amy's husband. i'll get used to it though because he's pretty great.

and there we are, the birthday kids. bet you can't guess who is the oldest.


until next year. happy birthday to us.

what i learned this weekend.

1. Raking leaves seems like a good idea until you wake up the next day and can't breathe. Is it possible to be sore in muscles that you didn't know you had?

2. When storm door shopping, be sure to go more than one place. Because when you do, you learn that the same door is $40 cheaper at Sutherlands. Sorry, Lowe's. You just didn't cut it this time.

3. When making chili for friend who doesn't like green peppers, don't substitue them with five jalapenos and some chipotles. But if you forget this rule and make this mistake, do have glasses of milk and plenty of sour cream available.

4. You can't be in the same house as a bag of Fritos. Don't buy them. Ever.

5. Husbands are very good birthday gift givers. Each year, they seem to improve.

6. No matter how good of a gift giver husband is, don't agree to let him use the bathroom while you are in the shower. Because of the gag reflex. And the smell. And the dry heaving.

7. The next house you buy should have two bathrooms.

a new day

The siders finished the front yesterday. I can't believe it's done. The painters come next week. I've picked lovely colors and am excited to see the finished product. Tonight, we search for a new screen door and window boxes. Oh, and the part I failed to mention on purpose is that Nick had been out of town during this entire process. So, that helps explain the stress I was under. But now, we're all back under one roof and between the same walls complete with new siding.

trashed.

Here are some pictures, taken by the lovely and talented, Paula. This is what was left of the horrible and ugly old-ladyesque awning. Paula hated it. I hated it more.


This was taken the day Gus thought the world was ending. Pretty, huh?

And the back before the new siding was applied. Looks nice. Maybe they should just leave it like that.

Please note the wires hanging everywhere. Also, please note the artistic photography ability of my friend, P nut.

the state of the union.

tuesday, gus must have thought the world was ending. because there was a crew of men tearing 50-year-old siding off my house with vibrating tools. things were falling off shelves, sawdust was appearing out of nowhere and it was loud. and poor gus was inside. when i arrived home to see men standing on my roof, a dumpster full of crap and a house that looked horrible, i thought the world may have ended. but after a good use of the shop vac and the realization that the new siding was coming sooner rather than later and two glasses of wine, i was relaxed.

today, after wrapping the house in Tyvec, they began to install the fiber cement siding. it looks amazing. from the back and the sides. i'm not quite sure why they do the front last. the part everyone can see. the part i see when i drive up with nowhere to park because my driveway is full of supplies.

anyway, they claim they will be finished with the siding tomorrow. and did i mention it looks fabulous? and then monday and tuesday they paint. in the meantime, i survey the damage. broken butterfly bushes, hedges that have been tied back away from the house, monster truck tracks in the yard and wires all over the lawn. it will all be worth it, this mess. i tell myself that every five minutes. and then i take the wise words from my friend to heart. "your house will never be perfect and everything can be fixed." because i have to. because i forgot to mention that the vibrating and tearing off of siding caused some of the plaster interior walls to crack and to spew forth plaster. in chunks. like ugly vomit.

pictures are coming. the entire process is being documented by my friend/neighbor who is blessed to spend a lot more time at home than i.

so, look for those. with a credit to her name.

until we meet again in cyberspace.
- a very messy, slightly-pensive, out-of-sorts, overly modified girl.

suck.

we went to the nebraska/MU game at nebraska on saturday. we were surrounded by a sea of husker red. i wore purlple and white - k-state colors maybe, but also my high school's colors. i just wasn't feeling the black and gold that day. and neither was the team. they just weren't there mentally. they didn't pass the ball enough and they gave the game away in the first half. oh well. at least we got a good picture.

oy vey.

so, on the subject of leaves i'm of mixed opinion. i like them. on a tree. i like them in the spring when they are buds. i like them in the summer when they are lush and green and shade-giving. and i really like them in the fall when they turn shades of pink and orange and red and auburn. i like them as they are falling to the ground. because watching them dance in the wind is like watching poetry in motion. and i even like them right after they've reached the ground and they surround the base of the tree from which they fell - a reflection of sorts of what the tree used to be. but i hate them. and i mean HATE them when they are scattered about my yard covering every inch of ground. this year, i have even more reason to hate them than before. they gave gus a bacterial skin infection. i don't really understand the semantics behind it. but because he is so low-to-the-ground and our leaves are all over the ground, he picked something up from them. so now, he has patches of grossness all over his stomach. and a few of them are pussing and smelly. so now, my cute, adorable little wuff wuff smells like a nasty, smarting infection. and he requires a special sponge bath once-a-day for a week with special shampoo. and he doesn't exactly like water. so, it's really an easy job as you can imagine.

i need a leaf blower. or vacuum. or something. poor gussy.