oh, maxim how i hate you.

i hate maxim. i hate it because it objectifies women. i hate it because it is "acceptable" porn. but mostly, i hate it because of it's online category called something like "dump her."

what is there, you ask? oh, only videos of big-chested, perfect-bodied 'hotties' telling men to break up with their girlfriends for them, as they playfully undress, pose, and expose.

i blame maxim. and other 'acceptable' forms of soft porn (or T&A, if you prefer), for making good-looking, average women feel worthless, ugly and undesirable.

i mean, do guys really buy into that shit?

say it ain't so.

speechless.

because of this.

kicking buyer's remorse in the balls.

i bought the mattress today. that, plus the new set of sheets, plus the bed...equals the largest single purchase i've made in my life. with the exception of my house and car.

it makes my heart beat fast. nervous fast.

i think i need to refresh something inside of me. like now.

so, i slather trader joe's refresh citrus body lotion with vitamin c all over my hands. i breathe in the notes of grapefruit mixed with a hint of pear. i breathe it in. deeply.

um, it doesn't make me feel refreshed.

maybe when the bed comes i'll like this purchase decision more.

my mouth is watering.

i have some news to celebrate. but i can't disclose what it is yet.

however, i've already booked my celebration dinner reservations. at le fou frog.

i. can't. wait.

why i hate texting

i'm no good at it. not fast. not smart. nothing.

was just making plans with a girlfriend for drinks after work tomorrow.

she texted 'great, see you at 5 45.'

i meant to reply 'deal.'

but instead, my finger hit the wrong thing and then sent the following: 'death.'

nice.

i bought the bed.

that's really all. sort of still in shock.

but, i'm going to LOVE it.

sleep on it.

i'm in the market for some new sleeping arrangements. see, i'm upgrading to a queen mattress. the full size i'm on now was a cheap one my dad bought for me when i was a sophomore in college. it sucks.

since i'm buying a new mattress, i'm going to buy a bed, too. i looked at ikea. nebraska furniture mart. et al. and then, i fell in love with this bed at pottery barn.

i love it.
but it's not cheap. at all. so, i slept on the notion of buying it. and i'm still undecided. thoughts?

huh.

i bought kolby a new toy at world market. he's already mostly destroyed it. it said it was for "tough chewers." um, i guess the kong is all he can have.

i also bought myself a present. a bag of hawaii kettle chips. i opened the bag and ate part of it on the drive home. it was awesome.

stuffed.

i went to taste of kansas city last night. i ate for three hours without really stopping. it was insane.

the food wasn't even THAT good. but i paid $25 to get in, so i wanted to get my money's worth. you know.

so. regretting it. today.

yuck.

on the upside, i did discover that the coconut shrimp from lucky strike are amazing.

milestones.

today, kolby peed AND pooped during a thunderstorm.

then, he decided to use my beautiful sham pillow as a tool on which to dry himself.

you win some, you lose some.

sunday morning walk.

welcome to my head.

i was going to write a post about why i hated saint louis. about the traffic. and the congestion. and the lack of interesting things to do. but, i don't want to write that one. not today, at least.

instead i'm going to write about how much i'm hating certain parts of life right now. let's begin with exercise. i don't enjoy exercising when it's not running. i dread going to the gym. the elliptical is boring. it's hot and sticky and smelly in there and i have to look at people on the treadmills.

i'm really struggling with balancing food and exercise and life right now. it's because of this damn medication and it's really pissing me off. as if my issue wasn't bad enough, throwing weight gain and puffiness into the mix just makes it on the verge of unbearable. i know this seems dramatic. but, seriously.

i woke up at 4:30 a.m. in a fit of panic. i then stayed in bed until 7 with this gomez song stuck in my head feeling my anxiety increase and increase and increase.
i don't even like the gomez song. i've only heard it twice. but there it was. every. single. word. of. it.
in my head. for two and a half hours.

i need to workout tonight. but i'm exhausted. from the lack of sleep and the poisonous anxiety. and for lunch, i had sushi. and the rice was way more vinegary than normal. and now i'm afraid a flare will come on.

see, i live in this limbo between feeling good and feeling bad. there's no middle ground. it's day-to-day. and on the good days, it's hard to forget that bad days are coming.

on the road for radiohead

the journey to see radiohead in saint louis was mostly lovely. but it was filled with lots of traffic, waiting and lines.

our seats were in the lawn.
so we bought these chairs. for $9 each.

we didn't actually sit in them very much. and for dinner, we ate kettle corn.

....the entire bag.

it gave me a sugar high. which, mixed with a glass or two of wine made me dance like this. (see above.)

radiohead decided not to use the jumbotron. instead, they had a fantastic light show.


other than that, and dinner on the hill, i'm sort of not a fan of saint louis. i prefer kansas city and do not plan to venture back. unless radiohead comes again. or pigs fly.

note: post about why i dislike saint louis to come.

hi.

radiohead was amazing. they played my favorite, fake plastic trees. and they ended with paranoid android. i was happy.

why you should hate me.

i'm listening to the new deathcab for cutie album. and it's good. don't let the released single fool you. i hated it. but the rest of the album is stellar. really.

deathcab is maybe one of my favorite bands. not of all time. but you know, they're nice to listen to.

radiohead, however, is one of my all-time favorites. always and forever. and guess what? tomorrow, i'm seeing them. live.

yay.

change.

if change is good, how come it's so hard?

covering bruises.

i have these bruises
on awkward places
like my heart --
stuck in far corners
like those fake cobwebs you decorate with
on halloween.

and most times, these bruises --
these spots of old soreness and pain --
are quiet.

and i forget they're there

until something unrelated to the original wound
strikes the bruise
with a hammer's blow
and then, all at once, a rush of emotion
and fear
pain
and longing
disgust
and this feeling of smallness
overtakes me.

but just know that it's not always you
or your words
deeds
or small offenses
that create the spillage of buckets of tears
or the boiling bubbling pain
no...
it's not always you

and so i continue
to wrap each bruise
in delicate lace
and satin
and in the most beautiful cashmere sweater
ever
because each day with you
heals wounds i don't think i knew
i had.

call me crazy.

yesterday i had an allergy to "egg mix" eliminated from my body. through accupressure and muscle work. i was skeptical, but could immediately feel something going on in my intestine. at 2 a.m., i woke up with a bout of the worst reflux i've experienced. squeezing of my chest. vomiting. heart attack fear. you get the point.

today, it's only gotten a bit better.

i called my practitioner to tell her what was up. she said it sometimes take 25 hours for your entire body and all of your organs to retrain themselves to be accepting of the egg mix. this is why i'm having a reaction.

it's all very odd. but i'm willing to keep giving it a go.

i have 13 more things to eliminate before she tests me for my sensitivity to chemicals. fun. fun.

bu-bye allergies.

i'm going to see a woman about eliminating my allergies today. i'll report back with details.

the thank yous...

i don't thank people enough publicly. i do my fair share of complaining though. well, here's a change of pace.

thank you to my wonderful, beautiful sister. for always being there for me. and for being my best friend.

thank you to my dad for always calling me back and for teaching me how to laugh.

thank you to my mom for being wise even when i'm not "able" to hear the wisdom.

thank you to my brother for being strong and a godly example.

and thank you to my bop, for being there for me always. whenever. in ways i never imagined possible. and thank you for also, being my other best friend. and for providing me lots of opportunities to eat chocolate.

i love all of you.

okay.
good night, internet.

faith.

and then the rain came --
flooding, suffocating rain.
and it poured for years, not days --
for nights and mornings
and during that part of the day where you just wish you could get a break;
but instead
goulashes are required
and umbrellas that stand up to high wind
and humidity...
and this rain -
this pounding, wet
storm
that blindsided you, really
right at the moment you thought
things would be
okay.
---it washed away clarity
and peace
and understanding
and it waterlogged
grace
and hope
and health
and then, it made muddy
healing
and love
and eternity.
but after the storm,
the sun crept from behind
that black cloud that'd been in the sky
for years and a day
and the light it spread
was contagious,
infectious
showing truth and love
and the answer to every storm - faith.

dear anonymous "you know who."

actually, i have no idea who you are.

and when you said "don't get mad," did you mean i shouldn't get OFFENDED or did you mean, i shouldn't get mad that you are posting on my blog when i've asked you to not contact me?

OMFG.

hi. i went to the doctor today. for my 3-month follow up. i hate my doctor. and when i say hate, i mean i can't stand him at all and think he would be better fit to be a mortician. because then, he wouldn't have to talk to anybody. because he's mean. and condescending.

and i was so nervous to go that i got sweaty and my stomach hurt. yeah.

basically, he just talked over me, told me i don't have endometriosis, but he would do the surgery if i wanted him to. said i need to wait until i feel better for 6-months solid before i start transitioning off of the medication.

blah blah blah.

oh, the reason i still see him is because he is one of two doctors in the area that treat IC. the other one had a crazy waiting list. i couldn't get in with him until june. and i'm going to see him then. for a second opinion. but in the meantime, i had to stop hurting. so, i bit my lip, crossed my fingers and went to the terribly mean doctor.

i didn't go to this appointment by myself. mostly because i need the emotional support to even get through five seconds of seeing this doctor's face. let alone 30 minutes of discussion.

okay, i think i'm done complaining now.

all kinds of honesty.

remember when i said giving up running was easier than i thought it would be? i lied. i don't think i knew i was lying. but this week, it's becoming clear. giving up running is sort of equivalent to stabbing myself in the eye. every day as the clock strikes 6 p.m. and 11 a.m. on the weekends.

and it's sort of killing me.

see, for as long as i can remember i've had what others might call a vice. in high school, when i was stressed i didn't eat. in college, i drank away my anxiety. then, post college, i found a healthier way to deal with stress. running.

and i fell in love. because every day, i pushed myself farther and harder. it was a passion. i studied it. learned how to do it better. got friends involved. shared my love for it with the blog-reading world. paid money to do it in massive crowds down roads that stretched 13.1 miles. i ran through injuries. through pain. through snow and ice and sticky, thick humidity. and each time i finished, i felt a little more alive.

then there was the added bonus - it made me skinny. but not gross skinny. healthy skinny. and my metabolism went through the roof. so i could eat whatever i wanted to. i didn't have to worry about that any more. the 20 pounds i gained due to the drinking in college came off. i looked and felt better than i can ever remember feeling.

the last time i really ran was in the brew to brew. that was over a month ago. i've tried to replace it with hot yoga. and the elliptical. and lots of dog walks. but it's not exactly doing the same thing for me. i feel yucky. all the time. i keep looking at my body, swearing that it's gaining pounds and pounds of cellulite in place that used to be toned, firm and beautiful. i try on jeans and take them off again. i get depressed. so i just eat salads for a week. but that doesn't matter. why? because the medication i'm on slows your metabolism. great.

i'm struggling with this. a lot. and it's really hard.

city living.

the gas station in my "hood" is, well, pretty ghetto. it's the kind of place that has bars on the windows and a fine assortment of fried foods at the counter.

but whenever i go in there, the women behind the counter are nice. genuinely nice. they also call me "babe," which is think is funny.

today i bought a pack of gum. it's from before the final four because it says i can win a trip to it. to me, that just added to the charm of the place with the uneven parking lot and crowded gas pumps.

a proposal.

DMV should stand for

deliberately monotonous venom


i'm on hold...
i hate the dmv

it's my bloggaverssary.

i just realized. three years.
wow.
so much has changed.

thank you for letting me fill this portion of cyberspace with my words and thoughts and sometimes all-too real emotions.

thank you for reading.

here's to the next three years.
may they be filled with love, change, growth and peace.

right before i stuck my head in the oven.

so the weekend was good. a little first fridays and a kickass panini at the drop to close the night. (who knew their food was so good?)

and a saturday walk around the urban homes tour, a shopping date followed by dinner at carmen's and an episode of lost. not bad, right?

today, "church" in the park, hot yoga and some really bad television. and kolby won't poop. and i'm hungry but not hungry. and i don't feel great. and i'm sort of totally down. and the only thing on tv is keeping up with the kardashians. and i'm watching it and it's ridiculous and i'm really wanting more channels like the sundance channel and hbo and something other than this basic cable stuff. soon. now.

now would be good.

i'm also waiting for something. and it's sort of excruciating. this waiting. the kind that makes me anxious and raises my blood pressure and makes me want to scream. but i won't scream. not even into a pillow. because i need to be bigger than that. i do. i know it. but, it's hard. uncomfortably hard.

and tomorrow is cinco de mayo. and more than anything, i'd really like for an ice-cold margarita to be in my stupid diet. but it's not.

did i mention i'm down? this funk sucks.

blah.

i am sick of this medication ruling my life. i no longer look the way i used to. it makes me want to sleep forever.

or until i can stop taking this shit.

good things.

so what if i'm channeling a little martha stewart. sue me.

1. april was a nearly pain-free month for me. best month since september! (yes, that calls for an exclamation point.)
2. tonight is first fridays.
3. i love my dog.
4. my hair is long enough to ponytail.
5. this season's the office is freaking amazing.
6. i have a really incredible creative idea that needs developing.
7. i discovered new music today. that i love.
8. today is sparkling sunny.
9. giving up running hasn't been as hard as i feared it would be.
10. i am loved. a lot.

shady. period.

um, it's tornado weather. so, being typical me, i checked out my building's basement. you know, to see where i would go in the event of a warning. it's a small basement, but a basement nonetheless. except there ARE NO STAIRS OUT. just the elevator. seriously? what if you're in the basement and there is a fire. and the elevators shut off. you're stuck. talk about horror movie. i am not NOT NOT going down there in the event of a take-cover direction. which sucks.

i am most definitely calling the fire department tomorrow to report this.