truth.

my nose is covered in scabs from all of the times it sneezed into a Kleenex.

zombie.

thursday night: dizzy, sore throat.
friday: yellow mucus coughing up. sore throat. runny nose.
saturday: more of the same:
sunday: ugh.
monday: same plus 100.5 fever
tuesday: can't feel my face, exhausted

when will the z pac start working?

boo.

still alive.

just very sick.

two-faced?

would it kill you to put a smile on your face? try it. in return, people might be nicer to you. unless you are just trying to look like a bitch all the time. if that's the case, good job. it's working.

new leaf.

i know longer have a 'george wallet.'

that's all.

flowers.

my dad owned a flower shop from the time i was in seventh grade until a few months ago. so for most of my life, flowers were normal to me. always around. always at a discount. always from dad's shop.

flowers, now, mean a little more. they mean they weren't gotten at a discount from dad. they weren't a way to help dad out. they weren't chosen from his shop to help keep his favor.

see, now that they're no longer part of the fabric of my life, they are more beautiful than i ever remember them being.

so thanks, bop, for the flowers. and for so much more.

love this.

god created man in his own image, and man returned the favor.

Loves (the list)

B
kolby
family
best-friend sisters
fried chicken gizzards
iced coffee from eljay's
the internet
gum
social media
movies
page france
discovering new music
spring
autumn
photography
color
coffee by B
childhood memories
brookside
god
grace
peace
tears when they're cleansing
sharpie fine point permanent markers
salt
cheese
cooking
running outside
parks
walks
tattoos
traveling
hiking
my bible study
my church
recycling
being a good steward of the environment
dogs
cardigans
dive bars that aren't smoky
the smoking ban
tapas
bacon
eggs
hondas
driving b's fast car
grocery shopping
whole foods
shoes
accessories
deep tissue massages
art
adventures that don't involve heights
mushu chicken from red dragon
decorating for christmas
white lights
my birthday
red
natural light
natural people
hammerpress
words
ideas
creativity
laughing
singing
theater
watching shows about aliens and bigfoot

still learning.

did you know that a general store is called a "general" store because they sell "general" things. i did not. until today. really.

i also thought that stevie wonder's "superstition" was called "superstitious" until today.

wow.

also, why does katie perry always have to arrive in a banana. her act is getting old.

g'night.

hi.

i have issues.

maybe they will all go away in maui.

i'm laughing at the thought of that.

because that's not how life works.

but seriously, i'm growing envious of people who can just push things away. down deep somewhere inside themselves where they put it in a locked safe and forget the combination.

i mean, i know how incredibly stupid that is in the sense that those people will never learn certain lessons and grow in ways that they may need to grow.

but wow, my heart would feel much lighter. if i was one of those people with a combination they've forgotten. and a mind that doesn't dwell or create stories or think too much about something that should be insignificant.

and honestly right now, while i'm typing this. "i became awake" by great lake swimmers started playing. and the lyrics remind me that i'm awake now. and being awake is the very reason my mind is like it is. i'm aware i guess.

but being aware is, sometimes, such a burden.
---
I became awake.
From a very dark place - a patchwork of fear of poorly conceived ideas.
With a blister of water, the mark of working hands,
ready to catch or cut.
The senses aligned, the animal urgency and voices picked up
flowing over the static,
late
quiet.

I became awake.
Fingers are open.
Eyes they are open -
the firing of images,
an orchestra of scribbles.
The guts of an engine,
the veins of a leaf,
light onto paper - exposed.
A filament in a bulb,
up above or in the ground.
Together we are magic,
together we are dreaming,
together we reach endlessly,
The center of a seed - so full of possibilities.

I became awake.
I thought I was sleeping,
but I was only forming a structure with no ceiling,
With words like a runway - a cloud of a person drifting away.
I was heavy, but now I am light.
I was heavy, but now I am light

red flag.

i'm trying to sell something of considerable value on craigslist. but do people think i'm stupid? apparently. check this out.

	Hello, I was going through the classified ads, and I came across your advert concerning your item listed for sale. Firstly I will like to know if the item is still available, and will also like to know the conditions? if perfect I would like to buy this from you as a Valentine gift for a friend. Am okay with your asking prices listed on the web advert,thanks and have a good day I wait your quick response . Best Regards to which i replied :it's available. then, they said this...

Hi seller,
Thanks for your message and i will like to buy the item for a friend as a Valentine Gift like i said earlier.My mode of payment will be via (Alertpay) and you can read more about Alertpay via (www.alertpay.com )and I will also add $100 for your asking price to cover the cost of Shipping to my friend via (Express Mail Service Us Post Office)and get back to me with your full Name,Address,City,State,Country,Code and Phone Number.So i can proceed to issue the fund to you immediately and better of you can sign up with alertpay via www.alertpay.com and i want you to understand that,i will love to call but am a deaf and only uses a hearing-in paired phone the relay so please send me an email you leave a message at 480-782-8114 it will delivered to me as message ..i await your response Asap..

want vs. need

i want
a family-size house with a dining room large enough for dinner parties.
a screened-in porch perfect for sipping wine or iced tea on 60 to 80 degree days.
a front porch for people watching.
another pair of Sevens.
someone to clip kolby's nails on a weekly basis.
to be walking distance from the beach, the big city, the mountains and a whole foods.
a house to call home forever.
a case for my macbook.
a handmade, really cute, functional wallet.
a new bike.
an adult-sized swing set.
better pots and pans.
to learn to knit.
a comfortable pair of 4-inch pointy heels.


i need
to be anchored.

for realz.

i'm tired.

zzzzzzzzz.

i had a nice weekend. met some friends for happy hour friday. hung out with amy saturday. had date night saturday night in lawrence complete with sushi. and then sunday went to a super bowl party. but then sunday night, i didn't sleep. again. at all. well, maybe three hours. here and there. pieced between pain and anxiety dreams and heating pads and gulps of water.

and today, i had to be at work from an 8 a.m. meeting. which means i got here at 7:45. which means i woke up at 6 a.m. which means i really just stopped 'not sleeping' at 6 a.m. you know, cause i'd been awake all night.

and now it's 3 p.m. and i'm exhausted. absolutely. bleary-eyed.

ugh.