perfect weather.

i need...

to appreciate this perfect running weather while it's here.

to stop sweating from my 7.2 mile run so that i can shower.

to do something that makes me laugh today.

to find a swing set to swing on.

to find a job.

letter to a lost friend.

i woke up thinking of you this morning. i hadn't thought of you in quite some time. but this morning, your face was in my head. your voice, your laugh. and that place we used go to drink way too much coffee. i can't remember its name, but i remember where we would always sit.

i wondered if you know that i am happy now. really happy. i wondered if you would want to know that i've finally found a home. that when i woke up thinking of you, i was laying in the most comfortable bed. and that i'd been sleeping in a house with arched doorways and built-ins and lots of character and original walls sconces from the 1920s.

and then i remember that there was a closure email you promised you'd write. maybe that's why i still think of you. because there was no closure. and so i think about how i was there when she was born. and how i know all of your junk - all of it. and i wonder if you are okay. like beyond the perfect smile and makeup and clean house. are you okay? deeply okay?

because i finally am.

i was sick this week. really sick. fever through the night, stiff neck sick. and for a moment, just a moment, i got all hypochondriac on myself and thought i might have miningitis. and for a brief second, i wondered if you would want to be called if i was deathly ill.

and honestly, i don't know the answer.

don't get your hair cut when you have a fever.

i'm sorta obsessive about my hair. i consider it my "signature." and even though the style has changed over the years, i like to think it's always looked good. enviable, even. i mean, strangers often ask me where i get it cut and for the phone number.

this all ended tuesday. i'd been putting off a haircut since march - due to the unemployment - but i could wait no longer. i wanted to keep most of the length i'd added over the last six months, but needed it shaped-up a bit. some layers. some cute, edgy bangs. something more "me" than just long hair that hangs.

so, i sat down in the chair and handed my hairdresser a photo of what i was thinking. and then, my fever got higher and i sorta went into this delirious state. and when it was all said and done, i walked out with a weird shaggy, mulletesque, mop on my head. the worst part? the shortest layer is ear-length. (the TOP of my ear.) i worked so HARD on growing that out.

so tomorrow, i'm going to see if i can get it fixed. but i might have to go short again - and this makes me very sad.

summer prayer

as i slice the heirloom
it spills seeds
and watery, blush red juice -
shocking the off-white counter
with its sudden presence
(as if to say 'hello there, you need some color in those cheeks.")

all the while the cicadas sound
and sound and sound
over there and right here
and everywhere outside the window that's open
to let the last
bit
of
late summer air
into the kitchen

and deep in this moment of
fresh preparation
and dicing and smelling
and quartering an onion
and chopping cilantro
chop
chop
chop -
i breathe in this life around me -
this presence of something bigger than just
my knife and juice-stained hands.
and i pause
(as if to say, "thank you for the color in my cheeks.")

amen.

things that happen due to unemployment #4,524.

i've got lots of time on my hands. and you know what they say about idle hands. so, i try to fill my days with creative, innovative thinking. but typically, i resolve to either
1. clean the floors (again)
or
2. take the dog on another walk

but wait. that's not all. i also run. at least 4 miles a day. that, plus the several dog walks, totals close to 6 miles a day of on-foot travel. you'd think i would have noticed my pants fitting looser or something. but you'd be wrong. maybe it's because of the half and half (which i just realized is called that because it's half cream and half milk) that i put in my 2.5 cups of coffee every morning. or it could be the several handfuls of m&ms i "reward" myself with before dinner.

but whatever.

every week i apply for exactly three jobs. (because this is mandated by the office of unemployment.) if it's a good week and there is more happening on the job boards, i would like to apply for more. but this has never happened. because we live in an economy of no jobs. and therefore, i apply for like two that would adequately fit my skill set and one that is either
1. a total long shot
or
2. something i could have done in high school

i also think a lot. yesterday, whilst in the shower, i composed an entire creative nonfiction essay on divorce in my head. then i got out of the shower and wondered if it was worth writing. the jest of it is that divorce sucks, is hard and is something most people don't understand. so your friends will either
1. never talk to you again
or
2. act supportive but distance themselves immensely

and then i throw ideas around like going back to school. UMKC just began offering a masters of fine arts in creative writing. um, hello dream degree.

can i get paid to go to school?

probably not. so, in between dreaming and waiting to be called with a job offer i make lists. because then i can cross things off and feel accomplished. today's list includes:
1. buy sugar, sparkling water, challah and trash bags
and
2. clean the floors

i bet you can't guess which one i've already crossed off.

neglect.

i've been neglecting my blog. and maybe, just maybe, i've been neglecting my thoughts. and the way i process and sort and deal with things. because i haven't been writing - for me. see, i've been busy. (as busy as you can be without a job, i guess.)

i've interviewed at a company for a third time. i've planned a going away party for my brother and sister-in-law who are moving to israel - in a few weeks. i gave the party. i hosted a good friend of b's from san fransisco in our guest room for five days. we wined and dined and dined and breakfasted and wined and drank coffee.

and i've been spending time with my brother. as much time as i possibly can. because who knows when the next time i'll see him will be. sure we'll skype. but it won't be the same.

so i've been neglecting this. this blog. this public journal. and with it, i've been forgetting to process emotions. ones that are sorta starting to bubble to the surface. like the emotion that manifests as a mixture of fear and urgency. the one that says, "i want a job. i want the RIGHT job. i want a good company and good coworkers. and i also don't want to be too selective because this economy sucks. but i really WOULD like the job i've been interviewing for. but did they like me? do they think i'm enough?"

and then the emotion that joins fear and worry and loss about my brother, my little brother, moving to israel. for good. and it's not just far away because the time zones are eight hours apart. no, it's far because it's another world there. one where he has to worry about life and death on a daily basis. and i'll be here on this side, worrying with him. and if it's not worry, it's prayer and faith and just really wanting to see him again -soon.

so today we went to the park. me and him and our sister. and we pushed our niece on the baby swing while we took turns on the big one. and for a moment, it was all as it should be. we were together. laughing. playing. reliving our childhood. our minds were free of worry. and we were connected in a way that only siblings can be.

i'm going to miss that.

these legs were made for running.

i'm full-on into half marathon training. today, i did an easy 3-miler in the rain. 24 minutes. hills. felt great.

this weekend, i'm up to my 7-mile long run.

this is so much fun!

scenes from the weekend.

get out the slacks, i've got a second interview.

tomorrow.

in unrelated news: my allergies are KILLING me.

i never used to have allergies. and now i'm all stopped up and my throat hurts and my head is full of pressure and i'm just all-around pissy. and if i take an allergy pill too late in the day, it keeps me awake during sleeping time. so, i'm just sufferin' through because i have to be well-rested for tomorrow. at the second interview. that is two hours long. with a panel of people.

prayers said and fingers crossed.

oh, hey.

hi. i'm here. right here. just busy. doing things like throwing a surprise going away party for my brother and sister-in-law. that was yesterday. they're moving to israel. you read that right. israel. i'm a little bit more than sad about it. because, see, that's far way.

so i'm watching ted and gayle haggard via skype on oprah. to get my mind off things.

currently unemployed, again.

i wade now into the familiar waters of unemployment. my contract with sprint ended. who wants a piece of me now?

check out my portfolio here.

don't let your dog eat cat poop.

if your dog eats cat poop and you catch him with it hanging out of his mouth, it won't be the last time you see it.

you will come home from work to find his kennel full of what looks like projectile poop. you will then give him a bath, sterilize everything, take him on a short walk and come home. once you are inside your new house he will then begin to vomit huge amounts of watery cat poop complete with whole, undigested pieces. this will smell worse than anything you've ever smelled and your gag reflex will not be happy. you will start to clean up the first pile while he stands by to vomit six more times. at this point, you'll be aware that what you thought was projectile poop in his kennel was really poop vomit that came out of his mouth, not his butt.

you will call your boyfriend freaking out. he will be on deadline and unable to come home. he will be able to call and get you an appointment at the vet, though.

you'll leave the poop vomit piles in your house on a 90-degree day as you take the dog to the car to drive to the vet. there will be at least one more episode of poop-puke on the way to the car.

once at the vet, the dog will get a thermometer up his butt, a shot to stop the vomiting and some medication for later.

then you'll come home. to a vomit-poop smell that is strong enough to smell from the yard.

buyin' what they're sellin'.

i bought body lotion from whole foods yesterday. it's natural, good for me and is supposed to make my skin feel like silk.

i was excited to slather it on.

so i began. slathering. and rubbing it in. and rubbing it in. and wow, it took a long time to get my skin to even attempt to absorb it.

so i thought, "maybe i didn't wait long enough after my shower to use it?" and i kept rubbing.

two minutes later, i suggested to myself, "maybe i used too much. this lotion is probably so good that i only need a little bit to get the desired results." and i kept rubbing.

close to five minutes later, i decided that it wasn't working, which meant, there was obviously something wrong with ME. my skin must not be normal. because the bottle says it's the best lotion i'll ever try. and that my skin will be taken to new levels of moisturized, silky-smoothness. and whole foods is an honest company and they love me and my family and people and the earth.

yes, i decided, there is something wrong with me, not with the lotion.

and that, my friends, is the power of advertising.

see that glow? it's because he loves me.

a good weekend.