giving thanks.

this year, i am thankful for

my family
being able to live comfortably in a beautiful, cozy house
all of the people i've met since i lost my job
second and third chances
that i feel like a runner again
my church
my small group ladies
the three days a week i spend inspired by, and in awe of, other creatives
my other two freelance clients
john k, for hooking it up
the internet - man you are awesome
our ever-blooming magnolia
kolby and his brother, puja, the cat
my amazing best friend, my sister
my other, amazing in different ways, best friend, B
how easy it is to go running in my neighborhood
natural light
music - especially bon iver and conor oberst
justus drugstore, extra virgin, R bar and the westside local
the new, old, dime store
spell check
that i am not required to be an expert at excel
the people who are experts at it
original, hexagon tile
already refinished hardwood floors
words
being able to break grammar rules
conjunctions
bonds built over shared contempt for the exclamation point
my amazingly comfortable, yet stylish, bed
that my ring finger isn't empty anymore
god's grace
and
the promise of heaven

gobble this.

i'm hosting 13 people on thanksgiving. i am freaking out. i don't have enough chairs. i don't have enough flatware. i don't have enough plates. omg omg omg omg.

i only have one couch.

omg omg omg.

cheers.

i've spent a lot of time being negative here. i think it's because this is the place where i've worked out and through my feelings. yes, it's public. yes, people read it. but it's also deeply personal. it's mine. and it's out there for you to read. i let you into some of my deepest, darkest moments. becuase, i have to say, you have helped me feel less alone.

but i've also let you share in my joy.

it may seem like if you compare my joy and my dispair on a scale, the dispair would outweigh joy by like a million.

this is becuase i've had a hard few years.

and by "few" i mean 11-ish.

but things are finally looking up.

good things are happening to me. and for me. and around me.

and for once, i don't feel like i have to write an angsty poem in order to cope with my day.

for once, i can just sit and be.

and this, my friends, is a victory worth celebrating.

so, i'm celebrating. i'm celebrating the fact that right now, i spend three days a week at an amazing agency and am inspired by the most talented people while i'm there. i'm celebrating that i've been feeling good - really good - for about a year. no chronic pain. no constant trips to the doctor. i've been feeling healed. i'm celebrating that i finally am truly over missing gus. i don't think about him. i don't cry over him. i love kolby. to pieces. and, i'm celebrating that i'm finally settling down - again. with the man of my dreams. with my best friend. with the only person i can imagine sharing my crazy life with.

so, i'm celebrating tonight.

and i hope, that wherever you are, and whatever you're feeling, you can find something to celebrate, too.

i need...

enough time to clean the house for thanksgiving
and
an easy/delicious/cheap appetizer idea for thanksgiving


any suggestions on the recipe?

sometimes...

sometimes, i look down at the ring finger on my left hand, and i cry with happiness.

(this totally cheesy fact is brought to you by the after-engagement glow.)

i also feel so freaking lucky. i am the woman who gets to keep b forever.

yay, me.

me, at 30.

perfect.

today i turned 30.

yesterday, i was still 29. and B refuses to combine birthdays with things like engagements, so he chose yesterday.

we went to justus drugstore. we ordered two appetizers. pig heart saute and the amazing fennel wrapped in prosciutto, drizzled with fig reduction and wrapped in lettuce leaves. we'd had a glass of wine. he was acting strange and nervous. and then he said, "hey, want to look at something i got you?" so i opened the bag he brought.

inside there was a little notebook filled with 30 reasons why he loves me. each on its own page. i cried and laughed my way through it. under that, the bag held a large box of christopher elbow chocolates.

i said thank you. he asked if i needed a Kleenex. i said no. he said, "well, you might now."

he stood up, stuck his hand in his pocket, came over to my side of the table, touched my shoulder said, "Jessi, you're my best friend and I'm really sorry this has taken so long but..." he was down on one knee "will you marry me?" i nodded, put the ring on, cried, hugged him and realized the ENTIRE restaurant was watching, clapping, cheering. B yelled, "she said yes!"

it was perfect.

the chef sent out two glasses of champagne. the couple next to us bought us a drink.

and that doesn't even begin to explain the thoughtfulness of this man, my fiance, who has gone above and beyond to make my 30th special. he arranged a manicure for this morning, so my hands would look extra pretty when i show people the ring tonight at my party. he took me shopping. he got me this print (from city hall) of our house in 1940. it's amazing. and it goes on with flowers and a 3-mile walk, in the cold mist of the morning, when he would have, perhaps, rather been sleeping.

i am so happy that i get to keep him.

tonight

my best friend asked me if i would marry him.

and i said yes.

birthday beginings.

tonight, the birthday craziness begins. and by "craziness" i mean b and i are having dinner with my dad. sushi. and i am probably going to order my very favorite roll just for me. i'm not sharing. because i'm turning 30, and i can crunch through the fried outside into the cream-cheese and crab-filled inside and enjoy it all by myself. wow, that sounded dirty. sorry about that.

i love sushi. like, with all my heart. i get extra wasabi and i like to use the full-sodium soy sauce. b gets the one with the green top, the lighter in sodium one. which i think is a total ripoff. soy sauce is there to be salty and a little nutty. but mostly salty.

i also enjoy seaweed salad in this strange, raw, animal-like way. i love the way that it crunches and slips and slides through my teeth. i like how little bits get stuck between the gaps. i like to get smoked squid on top of it. and the best is to get a bite of seaweed, dripping in sesame oil and sprinkled with sesame seeds. delicious.

so yeah, the craziness begins tonight. with eating.

and wine. i will be drinking wine.

change.

saturday, i turn 30.
30.
i think i had a list of things to do before i turned 30.
i don't know where i put it.
or what was on it.
or what wasn't.
i don't know if it included things like:
have two kids
drive a volvo
have a full-time job
or
complete a full-marathon.
maybe it said:
dye your hair once
be happy for a month straight
adopt a pug
and
learn to knit.
or maybe it was more like:
travel to france
learn italian
and
find the perfect pair of jeans and then buy them in every color.
what it didn't say was:
lose your job
celebrate the big 30 on an unemployed budget
be in love with your best friend
adopt a mutt
accept your body on most days
run another half marathon
live in your favorite neighborhood
remember, again, for the 100th time, again, why God is good.
so i guess it's good i lost the list.
because i wrote it many lives ago
when i was someone else
living someplace else
trapped inside
walls that
suffocated
even me.

ATTACK

today while on a walk, my sister, my niece and i were charged by an angry pit bull. cars slammed on their breaks. people looked at us with "helpless" faces. amy positioned the jogging stroller between us and the gnashing dog, and it went past us. stopped. looked back. growled, barked, snarled, and for some reason, kept running in the other direction.

i have not yet recovered.

the light.

today, i get a shot. i'm going to take a shower, put on something other than "running clothes," drive downtownish and attend a meeting. after that, i'm going to sit at a desk, concept with an art director and come up with creative, new, hopefully amazing ideas. then i will go home. have a "jessi has a shot" celebratory dinner with B and then go to bed. and on monday, i'll go back downtownish and do it again.

i'll be doing this three days a week for a month.

and hopefully at the end of a month, i'll just keep going back. hopefully.

so...here goes nothin'.

and so it goes.

yesterday, i cried spontaneously three times. i felt talentless and frustrated and i just really needed something good to happen.

today, something good happened.

i had a great meeting with a creative director at an agency i would kill to work at. and by "kill" i mean i would "die" for the chance. and by "die" i mean i would like very much to work there and landing there might be the highlight of my year. (the year is yet to be over, but so far, this year has been, well, you know...)

and he liked my work. a lot. and he told me this. more than once. and on the inside i was thinking, "yeah, YEAH, yeah, someone LIKES my work today. yes! whoohooo!!!! and at an agency i dream about. and omg did he really just say it was great? and wow, is this really going so well? and also, it smells like bacon in here and i really want some bacon and whoa, this is exhausting, putting myself out there like this and wow, nice icebreaker that we can talk about running and gosh, i'm so glad i'm a runner and he's a runner and it's like this bond..."

and on the outside i was all, "thanks. yes of course. i'll follow-up for sure. thanks for your time." but i think maybe he saw the light in my eyes.

so i learned a lesson - yet again. this rollercoaster of unemployment is, exactly that, a rollercoaster. one day, i'm in a pit - and the next, as cheesy as it sounds, i'm on cloud 9.

so no matter where this goes, i have to remember. someone today liked my work. someone whose opinion i value. someone who knows good work when he sees it. someone who was kind enough to meet with me. on a tuesday. in the middle of a busy schedule. because he liked my work.

a day at the office.

i had a great weekend.

and now i am super stressed out.