finally.

after years of debating about one thing, i've done gone and decided to do it.

do what?, you ask.

color my hair.

semi-permanently.

red.

copperish.

my appointment is in two weeks.

who wants to take bets on whether or not i keep it.

unfortunately, fortunately true.

crazy.

i went overboard tonight and reviewed like 7 places on yelp.

one of which is waldo pizza.
tried the vegan pizza for the first time tonight.

i want it again. now.

i also want these.

today.

it's one of those days where i'm listening to two songs.
passing afternoon by iron and wine.
and
poison oak by bright eyes.

on repeat.
just those two.
over and over and over and
over.

and then you come over and ask me about things.
and even though you don't really know what to say,
you mean well.

you say i'll land on my feet.
i want to believe it.

then i think about yesterday, and i worry that i ate too many fries
and not enough substance
and that i wish the salad i brought for lunch was chocolate
and sushi
instead of boring
spinach
olive oil
cauliflower
and a green bell pepper.

so i try to write these headlines.
concepts for one of my last assignments
here.

and i listen,
"there are things that drift away, like our endless numbered days."
and i delight in the irony.

i need to tell you something.

last weekend, i turned 31.
after a lovely, amazing, perfect dinner at justus drugstore, we were rear-ended by a guy driving a new mercedes. he did not have insurance.

this wasn't just a fender-bender, mind you. we were stopped and i don't think i heard him try to break.

my bumper is decimated.
and my back hatch door is dented.

i have whiplash.

so i went to the doctor for the whiplash. got an x-ray.
it showed arthritic changes in my back.
what?
what!
i just turned
31.

31.
not, 45.
or even 41.
31.

okay, so there's that.

on my actual birthday, the day after the wreck, i stayed in bed a long time because of the pain and opened gifts from beneath my down comforter.

i got a garmin forerunner.
and for a moment, i forgot how much pain i was and squealed like a kid on christmas.
and then i went running. (did you really think i would wait a day to try out the garmin?)
and it actually made the whiplash feel better. not perfectly better, but better.

maybe the moral here is the same thing i got tattooed on my arm just under two years ago.
"in darkness, a light shines."

and perhaps until i really learn to take hold of this promise, i will continue to go through things that are supposed to teach me.

but, to be honest, i'm pretty ready to stop learning this lesson for awhile.

collateral damage.

i'm not the only one looking for work. if you need amazing, creative talent, check here first.

questions.

i don't know why i've always let
other people's opinions
define
me.
me.
m.
e.
jessi.
writer.
creative spirit.
artist.
maybe it's green.
envy, sure.
but money, yes.
living is bills
and payments
and the cost of food
and fuel
and essentials like
clothes
medication
heat.

heat.

in a winter that already feels too cold.
dead.
void of beauty
and the promise
of
spring.

i don't know why i do this.
i think maybe it's
human nature.

defining moments.

i had a conversation today that could turn into a defining moment in my life.

could.

or it could completely and utterly crush my spirit, drive, creative willpower and goals.

i'll figure out what it will do tomorrow.

tonight, i need more kleenex.

turning older.

my birthday is on sunday.
i am turning 31.
31.
holy, shit.
i am turning 31.
i remember turning 21.
i remember what i drank, who came to my birthday dinner, what gifts i received.
my dad threw me a family brunch. at filios. there were like 30 of us. and mimosas. i think i had a mimosa.

last year, i turned 30. i was on the brink of landing my dream job. i was on the brink of getting engaged. my bad haircut was growing out. things were looking up.

this year, i'm not feeling as optimistic.

and my head. oh, my head.
it's so stuffed
up
i can't
breathe.

and i'm really hoping that by sunday
or saturday, even,
i'm cured.

please, god.
send me a cure.

cure.

i woke up with a terrible sore throat at 1 a.m. it was even worse at 6:15 when my alarm went off. so i went to a walgreens take care clinic at 4. i was there until 6.

it smelled like urine and body odor.

bad.

they sent a strep test culture out.

i bought kleenex and eye makeup remover and an impulse bag of bagel chips.

on the way home ( a five minute drive ), i ate half the bag.

i hope bagel chips are the cure for whatever is ailing me.

the best part of my weekend.

today.

i haven't been sleeping. it's like my body shot right back to the anxiety-ridden mass of matter it was two years ago. a year ago. for a year.

and eating is hard, too.
i have no appetite. at all. not even for the braised snails at extra virgin.
or the grilled bread with ricotta.

but i do have more optimism this time.
mostly because my time at barkley has been edifying. i've made some great friends. i've grown my portfolio. i've proven to myself that i can do things i wasn't sure i could do before i started there.

and now, i must prove to myself that i can go through the job search again. that i can do the whole 'unemployed' thing again.

because last time it nearly killed me, i vow for this time to be better.

less soul killing.

but for now, i must get through the next 7 weeks.

full circle.

as things often do in this industry, things changed.
and i've found myself without a job again.
well, soon.

i've updated my portfolio. and, if you have any relevant leads. any at all, please. please. send them my way.

i'll be trying to keep my chin up over here in the meantime.

www.jessiwithrow.carbonmade.com

my non-slutty costume. and b.

he was 'unfrozen caveman lawyer.' i was an angel. which i am every day. just without the wings.
(wink.)

tying things together.

saturday night, over a couple of glasses of st supery sauvignon blanc, i attempted to tie slutty halloween costumes to the fact that women still get paid less than men for the same job.

something about women perpetuating the stereotype the we deserve less respect.

anyway, i'm not sure it's an argument i could wrap up in 100 words, but i bet if i spent time researching, interviewing, digging deep...i could close the loop on this thought.

in the meantime, i'll be basking in a self-righteous glow because i wore pants to a halloween party. and i also had on a shirt.