they pay to kiss your feet

things i know for sure.

2012-02-09T06:32:00.002-06:00

1. a watched pot boils eventually
2. the early bird is sometimes just early
3. when you are nervous, you are growing
4. changing routines is healthy
5. boxes are for belongings, not for dreams
6. yoga fixes bad days
7. no one writes paragraphs like allen ginsberg
8. i am insanely jealous that john mcgregor wrote such a great first novel
9. if he hadn't written it though, i would maybe not be the same person
10. really, it shaped me
11. words are my playground
12. music feeds my soul
13. the importance of being happy at work is of utmost importance
14. if i use a word twice in once sentence, it is for emphasis
15. i still hate exclamation points
16. i am not, and will never be, a good proofer
17. but give me a sentence to write, and i'll make you feel something
18. my hope is that whatever you feel will start in your toes and move all the way up until your brain gets goosebumps
19. but even if you don't, i will still write
20. words are me

passing time.

2012-02-06T06:50:00.006-06:00

it's amazing the clarity you can gain from spending an afternoon in the ER with your sister.
tucked back in last room in the wing.
sitting on half a chair.
listening to the distant sounds of breathing machines
and a drunk man moaning "hey" every three seconds
like clockwork.
hey.
hey.
hey.
you're forced to do something to ignore the code blue they just announced
so you sing a silly song
louder than the breathing machine
and the heys.
you try to get her to laugh
and to forget
that the gown she's wearing might be scented with someone else.
it works for awhile.
until the nurse comes back to flush her IV
because it had, suddenly, become bloody.
and i squirm at my sister -
this woman whom i've seen give birth
twice.

*note: she is fine. thank you for the concern :)

moments.

2012-02-01T15:32:00.003-06:00

i was in an elevator filled with people who thought eddie murphy had just died doing a stunt.
they were older, plumper women. one was swaying, bellowing "oh, lawd. oh, lawd."

we stopped on the fourth floor to pick up a giant, deep-freeze looking thing with the word "flammable" marked prominently on the side.

the skull and crossbones just reminded me how much i hate elevators.

when we got to the sixth floor, i bumped the oh lawd lady out of my way, pushing her hips back over closer to the flammable cargo. and escaped.

truth

2012-01-28T17:33:00.004-06:00

i met a man at trader joe's last week who was excited to have recognized me from running past me on the trolley trail. i didn't have the heart to tell him i'd just come from yoga.

without saying a word.

2012-01-28T14:30:00.005-06:00

when you go to hot yoga every saturday, you start to know people. but you never talk.
you just try to stand still between postures, facing forward, in the mirrored room with sweat dripping in your eye.
you try to breathe through your nose and focus on your gaze.
you try.
but the one guy in the back will simultaneously be losing gallons of water off of his body at once. like a waterfall, it will surge.
so your eyes will avert from your gaze and to the spectacle. and so will hers. and his.
and then, as you're getting ready to gaze back at your third eye or whatever it is you're supposed to stare at,
your eyes will all sort of meet in the in between.
and without saying a word, or moving a muscle, you will all know.
the buckets of sweat guy is grossing everyone out.

lightbulb.

2012-01-27T15:00:00.002-06:00

when i was a little girl, my dad would take us to roselle court inside the nelson after a tiring hour or two of straining our necks to look at art.

he'd sit us at a table, leave for a few minutes and reappear with a plate full of lavash crackers and a water for us to share.

i need to ask him, but i think the lavash was free. and nobody charges for water.

next week, i'm going to see a film with a friend and she suggested we have a glass of wine at roselle court first.
that was the first time i realized roselle court was a real place that made actual food. and served actual drinks. not just some magic cracker factory.

i know, i know.

chords.

2012-01-22T10:04:00.002-06:00

sometimes, i miss playing the piano so much it hurts.
so i start deconstructing rooms in my head.
"maybe if we just got rid of the dining room table. or what if we enclosed the screened-in. and do we really need a couch in the living room?"

but really, there's no room. not here. not even for an upright.
and even if there was, i don't know what i would do sitting on that bench hovering above the keys. for the first time in almost 15 years.

once-memorized symphonies would probably just torment me.
until i'd settle for something like "heart and soul" before retreating to the couch in defeat.

confession friday

2012-01-13T14:05:00.002-06:00

1. i love yoga
2. i hate hot yoga
3. i keep going
4. i think it's helping me in lots of ways
5. i dread it the entire drive there
6. i've never sweat more in my life
7. i bought a mat from lululemon even though i know their company is a little bit unethical
8. it's the best mat i've ever used
9. it has revolutionized my practice
10. the last time i called something a practice, i was talking about piano
11. even though i used to be unable to imagine a day without running, i don't miss it. at all.
12. i especially don't miss it now that it is 12 degrees outside.
13. i do miss my short, short hair though. every day.
14. for some reason, every haircut i get turns into a mullet 4 weeks later.
15. i think i'm almost too old to do the pigtail-bad-hairday trick
16. even though i'm 32, i got the worst zit of my life a month ago.
17. seriously. it was like a huge red cyst. and it never popped.
18. now i just have this ugly scar on my chin.
19. i got it the second week at my new job.
20. so i felt like "that" girl for awhile.
21. the one everyone looks at and feels sorry for because of some huge flaw.
22. i love my new job.
23. even though i know it's ridiculous, i'm a little bit afraid for december 21 2012
24. or is it the 12th?
25. see, that's what popular culture will do to you.
26. and movies
27. and an over-active imagination
28. and not enough faith
29. i think tomorrow at hot yoga, i will try to sweat out that stupid fear.

2012.

2012-01-01T08:42:00.004-06:00

sometimes i feel like we create holidays to help us get through winter. i know, historically, this isn't true. jesus was born at christmas. the end of the year is december 31. thanksgiving is for some reason the fourth thursday in november. and even chanukah falls right in the middle of it all. but it helps, this placement. this month plus a week of family gatherings, gift-giving, over-eating and decorating. the lights. the santas. the things to keep us busy.

but then, those of us in colder climates, are faced with three months more of cold. dark. dead branches. brown grass. and snow and ice and skin-burning wind chills. no gifts. no giving. no twinkle lights.

but why not? maybe i'll make 2012 the year that i do more during winter. love more. celebrate more. give more. enjoy more.

yeah, that sounds good.

merry christmas eve.

2011-12-24T07:11:00.002-06:00

do yourself a favor, don't judge "we bought a zoo" until you've seen it. and go see it. and bring kleenex. then buy the soundtrack.

as cheesy as the screenplay might be, it's somehow carried into a magical place thanks to the cast and, well, the magic.

and eat some chex mix. drink some wine. give someone you love something they'll love.

just, enjoy.

buy yourself a little something.

2011-12-10T16:28:00.001-06:00

and then buy something for someone else, too.

my words, and my friend luke's typography design (and font).

right here at storenvy.

change.

2011-12-05T07:49:00.002-06:00

i'm starting a new job next week.

eden turned 4 on saturday.

my longish hair isn't making me want to puke yet.

i have finally realized i bought a "mom car" two years ago.

my downward facing dog is near perfection.

i still can't figure out the right way to "hump out my back" during the bikram triangle.

for the first time all winter, the pit in my stomach has gone away when it gets dark.

i'm thinking the "color my hair lighter" experiment has finally ended.

'arrested development' is my new favorite show - six years too late.

i'm not afraid of as many things as i used to be.

but my love for butter (and bacon) is unending.

it was so cold at the chief's game, things got crazy.

2011-11-28T06:52:00.001-06:00

five hours outside in 25 degrees equals a sore throat today.

but it was fun.

from here to there.

2011-11-22T13:13:00.003-06:00

we are embarking on a journey.

we have no sonogram photo to show. in 9 months, we won't see our facial features looking back up at us. and i'm not going to need to borrow your cute maternity clothes.

but when this journey ends, we will hold our baby.

we just got word that the adoption agency accepted our application. so now, we begin.

filled with joy, we begin.

the journey toward baby.

32.

2011-11-21T11:28:00.002-06:00

i turned 32 last week. it was a good day. followed by a really shitty week.

but the flowers b sent me are still going strong on my desk at work. and yesterday, i got a card that eden made for me. she drew the ocean and then spelled her name.

the ocean. it's vast and it's alive. and every day, it kisses the shore. even when the shore sends it right back to where it came from.

the ocean.

up and through.

2011-11-16T19:22:00.002-06:00

i've been thinking a lot about courage. and that sometimes being brave means just making it through. i think i always saw bravery as this move of strength and power - this gargantuan effort that would be rewarded with bursts of praise and applause.

but i'm starting to think it's really just about not breaking. it's not letting temporary discomfort become permanent. it's learning when to say no. when to say yes. and when to be okay with imperfection.

it's looking at yourself in the mirror. and not wanting to change a thing.

song obsession of the moment.

2011-11-16T16:55:00.002-06:00

cause i can hardly see what's in front of me these days. and those days, too.

cold turkey.

2011-11-10T17:12:00.004-06:00

i quit running.

kicked it to the curb.

told it i'd see it never.

said i hoped the door didn't hit it on its way out.

then, i took off my shoes, rolled out my yoga mat and started remember what it felt like to feel good.

seriously, guys. i quit.

for now i'm enjoying power yoga, hot yoga and lots (and lots) of walking.

it's been about a month and already, my body is transforming. my arms are defined again. my posture has improved and my anxiety has decreased.

and, apparently, i sound like an infomercial.

yay!

winter.

2011-11-02T19:38:00.003-05:00

it's raining, windy and cold. yesterday, it was 77 degrees. but it's november. it should be winter.

it's getting dark earlier. this weekend, we fall back. and then. the days. continue. to get. shorter.

until the shortest day of the year. which, honestly, is my favorite. because it's full of promise. hope. one. more. minute. of. daylight. until

it's summer
and light until 9
and my mood blooms beside the garden arugula and gerber daisies.

review.

2011-10-25T09:16:00.001-05:00

i had a five-month review at work last friday.

and i think i accidentally dropped my feedback paperwork outside my cousin's engagement party friday night.

i hope whoever found it hung it on their refrigerator. at least.

9 years later.

2011-10-17T13:19:00.003-05:00

last weekend, i introduced b to farout field. have i mentioned that he's a diehard jayhawk? we went to columbia for the centennial anniversary of homecoming. it had been 9 years since my last homecoming game. so i wore black and gold. and when i saw these columns, as i always do, i cried.

i'm not sure what causes my eyes to fill with tears. it's probably something different each time. i think that, maybe, this time it was more of a release. bringing b to a place so dear to my heart was healing. a way of bringing my college experience and my current life together. it felt good to be at those columns as the woman i am today. wiser, less broken, healing, still anxious, but filled with more hope.

growing.

2011-10-10T19:06:00.003-05:00

last friday, me and my talented designer friend, luke, had an art opening.

i need to take a second to let that sink in.

deep breath.

I HAD AN ART OPENING.

it wasn't even on my bucket list.
or in the back of my mind hanging out on the list of things i must do in the next five years.
or one of those fleeting thoughts on every new year's eve or at every new beginning.

no, i never thought, "hmmm, i think i'd like to make some art, hang it in a gallery and then invite everyone i know plus lots of strangers to see it."

no. never.

but i (we) did it.

and it was amazing.

we took my other blog and picked our favorites. then luke designed a font.

what?

yes. he MADE A FONT. from scratch, people.

and he used it to make my thoughts come to beautiful life.

it was a labor of love. it took like 5 months.

and i promise i'll post pictures soon.

but if you want to see it, it's hanging at the gallery at 19 Below for the next month.

and we're opening an etsy shop this week to sell prints.

when we do, i'll link to it.

but wow. was i nervous. like insomniac nervous.

but i heard once that when you are nervous, it means you are growing.

and judging by how nervous i was, i grew a ton. a TON.

sidenote: i'm not exaggerating when i say that we probably had 500 people stop by that night.

500. people.

so if you were one of them, thank you for the support.

it was something that i will never forget. and, wow, was it ever amazing.

progress.

2011-09-27T19:11:00.003-05:00

so we met with a different adoption agency last night. it felt better. it feels good to be progressing.

what doesn't feel good is the fact that my chronic pain condition (muscular) has been flaring lately.

if you're a loyal reader, you'll remember my journey to figuring out the cause of all of my pain some time in 2007.

and though i've been able to keep it mostly under control, it's been bad lately. (sigh).

so i'm committing to a month of hot yoga. and of trying to take more moments to relax. hopefully, it helps.

i never thought it would happen.

2011-09-17T16:04:00.002-05:00

i have some very important news: this girl likes beer.

and beer kitchen.

and the turkey turkey sandwich there.

and the vegetarian BLT.

but mostly, the beer.

and beer in general.

but only the kinds that (sort of) taste like they could be wine.

in my bones.

2011-09-15T12:41:00.002-05:00

we saw bon iver last friday at the uptown. we stood in line for an hour to get seats in the balcony. the sound is better up there. and when you're under 6 feet tall, the view is better, too.

i expected a mellow show. somber, even. with smooth falsettos and haunting melodies.

i didn't even know if i would like it.

but holy shit did i like it.

loved, really.

it was haunting, yes. but in this raw, passionate way. it was electronic and hard. it was nothing i had expected. it was everything i had hoped for. it was beautiful.

and, now, it's in my bones. in my core. it changed me. and i can't stop listening to this song. and reliving the show. again and again and again. and anyway, i hope you were there, too.

sorry.

2011-09-10T08:55:00.002-05:00

i've been a huge downer lately, huh?

well here's something happy.

tomorrow on the 10-year anniversary of 9/11, i will be remembering. but i will also be celebrating my nephew's first birthday.

like my tattoo says, forever on my arm - in darkness a light shines.

so tired.

2011-09-08T16:10:00.003-05:00

i haven't been sleeping. rather, i haven't been sleeping well. i fall asleep fine and then wake up at almost exactly 2 a.m. every night and lay there. and lay there and lay there. and. lay. there.

finally around 4:30 or 5, i fall back asleep for an hour.

it's ruining my life.

i am not even kidding.

not getting good sleep messes with everything. metabolism. energy. stress. happiness. sense of well-being.

i think it's making me depressed. or maybe, i'm depressed and it's making sleep come harder.

last night, when i finally fell back asleep, i had a dream that a squirrel bit me and that i had to get a rabies shot. but instead of rabies shot stuff, they shot me up with penicillin, which caused anaphylaxis.

comforting, no?

seriously, what's wrong with me.

i'm too old for this shit.

weighing on me.

2011-08-24T21:22:00.004-05:00

i've been having this dream lately where i get on a scale to weigh myself and realize i'd ballooned up to 188 pounds without knowing it. in the dream i'm always still wearing my normal jeans, but they're tight. really tight. and my mom always makes an appearance to say something like, "jessi, you are out of control. how did you get so heavy?"

that's weird right?

i mean, it's sort of psychotic.

sure, i haven't weighed myself in over a year because it is a flipping nightmare for me to be tied to a number on a scale. but suddenly, irrationally, i'm terrified of the mere idea of finding out how much i could weigh now.

honestly, i'm guessing i've put on a couple of pounds.

because i'm turning 32. i am getting older. i am not restricting my food intake in the way that i used to. which means, I AM BEING HEALTHY. and god forbid, i'd put on a few pounds and be up from the 117 pounds i've weighed SINCE I WAS 17. seriously. it's ridiculous.

why do i care? i want to be happy being whatever weight is healthy for me. which is why, when i was at the doctor's office the other day, i stepped on the scale backwards and told the nurse to say nothing to me about what the number said. and at the gym, i don't even look at the scale in the locker room as an option.

because i know better.

but still. even though i know better, i'm struggling.

i want to stop having this dream. this anxiety-filled nightmare. i want to grow up. i want to forget my eating disordered past for good. i have no reason to be tied to it anymore. but, wow, that's such a hard chapter to close.

so i am praying for strength.

and honesty.

fact.

2011-08-23T09:52:00.002-05:00

at least one time a week, i get heartburn in the middle of the night and convince myself that i'm having a heart attack.

imperfect.

2011-08-18T10:52:00.002-05:00

My biopsies look like cigarette burns. One on my arm. One on each leg. Two on my back. They’re ugly and scabbing. And they hurt.

The good news is, three of them are fine. Which means, I have ugly spots on me for no reason.

I haven’t heard back about the other two yet.

It seems I’ve been collecting scars lately. Like, it’s my new “thing.” Remember when I pretended the sidewalk was a slip-n-slide the day after my half marathon last October? Because of that graceful moment, my knees are forever altered. Last April, I had to remove a pre-cancerous mole from the back of my shoulder, which left this 3-inch long, discolored scar. And now these new ones. I sort of hate them.

I want to pretend that I love them because they give me character. They’re battle wounds. They are part of my “story.” Blah Blah.

They’re one big fucking cliché.

Battle wounds?

Please.

yawn.

2011-08-16T21:35:00.002-05:00

i'm exhausted.
like, 100 percent, sleep-deprived tired.
i woke up at 4 a.m. on monday. and got sick.
i tried to wake up at 6:30 a.m. for work. my head was pounding. i sent an email alerting them to my not-coming-in-today status.
i woke up at 10:30 a.m.
dizzy.
exhausted.
queasy.
i watched a million episodes of the millionaire matchmaker.
i went to bed at 10.
the damn cat woke me up at 2:44 a.m.
i. did not. go back. to sleep.
i went to work.
exhausted. headache. queasy.
i stayed all day.
meetings. work. meetings.
and now, now. NOW, i need to sleep.

goodnight.

things i'm loving. the august 2011 edition.

2011-08-12T11:26:00.005-05:00

all things bumble & bumble.
my car (yes, a whole year later.)
radishes from our garden.
our moved and re-designed bedroom.
the sleep sounds app for the iPhone.
trader joe's.
hummus.
garlic.
garlic hummus from trader joe's.
sunflowers.
prison break.
that dexter season 5 comes out in like 10 days or less.
highlights.
zumba.
that my nephews are both CRAWLING now.
that my niece now calls me on the phone.
our budget that is helping us save up for the adoption.
that my future holds motherhood.
that our baby could already be growing somewhere inside someone.
hope.

repeat.

2011-08-11T21:35:00.003-05:00

i get obsessed with songs. right now, it's this one.

i listened to it all day. on the way to work. at work. on the way to my biopsy appointment. and then to my other appointment. and then now. now, i'm listening to it. singing it. working out the harmony. imagining what my life would be like if i had actually broken through my fear of singing in public. on stage. with other people. and an audience. and anyway. i had two biopsies today. and three on tuesday.

so i guess that means that when i turn 32, i'll have 7 scars from moles that shouldn't have been there. one that was almost cancer. and hopefully 6 that weren't. i'll know in two weeks. until then, i wait. and listen to songs on repeat. and try to remember that worrying is stupid. i mean, my ARM says "in darkness a light shines." in ink. in my SKIN. so, yeah. i need to be positive.

the glass if half full. the glass if half full. the glass is half full...

dream.

2011-08-09T10:14:00.002-05:00

i've been toying with the idea of writing a book. for the last 10 years.

i used to want to write a memoir. but i think, maybe, i should save that for when i'm closer to 50 and have lived more life.

a book of poems would be nice.

or creative nonfiction.

essays.

thoughts.

headlines.

ideas.

all i know is, the longer i put it off, the larger this void feels.

i. need. to. be. writing. it.

oops.

2011-08-03T14:23:00.002-05:00

the parking garage at work has some pipes that leak this nasty stuff. smelly. like crap-tastically nasty stuff. awful. sort of a milky white substance. similar to what surrounds a dumpster on a hot, sticky saturday morning. before its been emptied from the previous night of revelry.

i always remember to avoid parking beneath the leaky pipes.

but yesterday, i forgot about not walking under them.

my hair will never be the same.

A story.

2011-07-26T11:50:00.004-05:00

We sat on the green couch and ate cookies. Chocolate chip. I’d called my mom for the recipe the day before. And when I made them, I imagined you eating them. Savoring. Licking the salt from your fingers with the last, buttery bite. We were there to study. It was the last week of the semester and I needed your help before finals. So I baked you cookies as my way of saying thank you with a side of, “You are the only boy who makes me laugh. My heart feels different when I’m with you. Please love me.”

We went through my notes. They weren’t as complete as yours and so I filled in the blanks. I borrowed your pen. It was the best pen I’d ever used. It formed each letter like it had a purpose greater than just being a part of a whole. We went downstairs to look up some fact in the old volumes that they put in the back room. The room where I’d imagined kissing you. We got closer to the old bookshelves and to the room and I grew suddenly dizzy. I hoped you could read my mind. That you knew what I wanted. That you felt the same. I made you sit in that old blue chair. I said I had a question to ask you. That it was very important and I needed you to tell me the truth. I looked at the ring on my finger and then back at you. I knew this moment could change everything. I shoved the bag of cookies back at you. “Do you want another?” You didn’t. And so I went into it. I’d heard that you said I shouldn’t get married. That I was making a mistake. I pointed my umbrella at you. I asked you not to lie. I nervously ate a cookie. I waited. You squirmed. Smiled. Looked at me with eyes that sparkled even in that dimly lit library basement and said that I should do what makes me happy. “Who am I to know what’s best for you, silly?”

“Oh,” I ached back.

Later that week, I drove you home from a goodbye party we had for a friend. It was the last time I’d see you before graduation. I handed you a card filled with words I'd toiled over. You reached over to give me a hug. Your hair smelled like laundry detergent. We’d been listening to ‘Don’t Stand So Close to Me.’ I felt the irony choking my ring finger like a noose. You told me to be good and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I never did see you at graduation.

the one about the B word. (no, not brad.)

2011-07-21T08:43:00.003-05:00

we want a baby. trouble is, i'm not a good candidate for carrying one.

so we're exploring options and things like that. this means, i'm never going to make the 'i'm pregnant' announcement. but, one day i hope to make the 'we have secured a baby' announcement. which, yes, sounds flippant. but, that's how it works.

so far we've looked into adoption but still have a few other avenues to check out before finalizing our "how."

here's the scary part about adoption: the home study.

it comes in this binder and is hugely daunting. especially the part where you have to write an autobiography of your entire life - including any dysfunction, past relationships, behavioral therapy, etc. i get it, but having to sit down to write all of that and place it in a binder that will be a determining factor on whether or not i am a good candidate to be a mother is scary.

here's the other things that sucks. if you've been divorced, a lot of adoption agencies require that you've been in your current marriage for 5 years before they will allow you to adopt.
we can't wait five years.

so our options are fewer. but maybe that's the way it is supposed to be. you never know why doors are closed to you. just like i don't know why my body decided to deny me the opportunity to do part of what it is designed to do.

but we're excited. the joy outweighs the scary. the possibility outweighs the pain.

and so, we move forward. we've given ourselves almost a year to figure it all out. and then, we'll be all-in. in the meantime, we're rearranging our house - making room for a baby. for a child that could very well be conceived tomorrow or maybe it was yesterday or last week or in a couple of months. a child that has a future of love and support as a hamilton.

i. can't. wait.

a few things.

2011-07-18T21:55:00.003-05:00

i went to trader joe's this weekend. i'd been counting down the days. it was amazing. i am in love. and i will always, always have their garlic hummus and goat gouda in my fridge.

i had to use a cart from petsmart because the red ones were all taken. it was huge and awkward. and i didn't care.

this is a huge step for me. the whole not caring that i'm sticking out like a sore thumb thing.

i joined the gym for the year. i got a good deal through work and, um, it's like 118 degrees outside now and for the rest of the summer.

it reminds me how much i hate the elliptical. it's not running. but it was the only option tonight when everything else was taken.

but i do like air conditioning. and the gym has that.

so does my car. that just got detailed inside and out. it's like nicer than when i bought it. i. love. it.

grasping.

2011-07-12T14:08:00.002-05:00

i seem to remember things in chunks now. a smell. a look. a fabric. how hot it was outside. and so my mind spins to make order from the chaos of memories that i don't want to own. not in my history. not woven into the tapestry that cloaks my forever walls. but they remain. the building blocks of who i became. this soul. this embrace. this courage that i wish would spill forth even more. instead of seeping like watermelon juice onto the corners of a paisley platter.

open.

2011-06-30T22:08:00.002-05:00

i'm, obviously, done with being silent. finished with trying to protect someone who deserves no protecting. ready to be honest. and open. and to speak truth. but not all at once. anyway, thank you for letting me be real. in my last post. and in general.

i know i'll probably piss off a few people. people who never believed me anyway. but, do you know what? i don't care.

it's more important to shine a light on things with dusty corners filled with secrets begging for a broom.

i'm ready to be the broom.

for my sake. and for the sake of other women who have not had the strength to leave. or for those who have, but haven't made peace with their decision yet.

so yeah, i'm an open book.

the current page is turned to the chapter: every weekend should be a three day weekend.

we'll see what chapter we land on next.

have a happy fourth.

-PG

Beautiful things.

2011-06-29T14:33:00.005-05:00

I didn’t always know that I deserved to feel safe. To have an opinion without it being torn down. To say things in public without someone wondering why I didn’t run it by them first. To dress however I felt comfortable dressing. To watch whatever I felt comfortable watching. To be me. Fair-skinned and freckled. Artsy and emotional. A giver to my core. A lover of all things literature and poetry and words and music and melody. A child of God. A God who loved me just the same if I was wearing a turtleneck or a semi-deep V-neck. A God, who probably, wept for me. During nights when I felt trapped. Alone. Scared. Victimized. Like my life was drifting out of control. Like maybe, if I just cleaned the kitchen better next time or did a better job mowing the lawn, the emptiness would disappear. The ridicule. The emotional distance. The emotional smothering. The wanting me to change. To be someone else.

See, I didn’t always know that a man didn’t have to command authority over me if he didn't deserve to. And I didn’t know I could leave. Until, I did.

And I didn't realize how much God could heal. Until He did.

Four years later, I know. And my life is becoming a beautiful thing.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

and, scene.

2011-06-27T22:09:00.001-05:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

one-a-day.

2011-06-25T08:31:00.005-05:00

i've been taking a photo of myself every day when i get to work in the morning with photobooth. i think it's interesting to see how tired i look on some days and how i awake i look on others. for some reason, i always look younger, better-rested and more alert on friday mornings.

this routine also helps me to not repeat the same outfit within a two-week window.

does that make me neurotic? the outfit thing?

this photo was on a monday. i needed extra coffee.

reclaiming.

2011-06-19T21:38:00.002-05:00

i started eating meat again. slowly. paris taught me that i could. that i should. that my body might need it - in moderation.

but healthy meat. organic. no antibiotics. free of extra chemicals and supplements to make it anything other than how god intended for it to be. and not for every meal. but a bit of actual protein every day. maybe an egg. maybe some cheese. maybe a couple of fork-fulls of b's pulled pork. i'm feeling nourished.

we also reclaimed some windows today. to be re-purposed later. it's a surprise what they are for. but i think you will like it.

along with some other updates that i can tell you soon. not now. but soon.

but in the meantime. why am i still getting zits at 31.5 years old?

today.

2011-06-14T13:44:00.002-05:00

i was having lunch with a good friend. eating hummus on a pita with feta and onion and tomatoes and cucumber. and i think some garlic. or at least, my breath thought so. and i was in the middle of telling her about the panic attack i had last year and how i got through the flights to and from paris with xanax and that my therapist was helping and wow, i was really enjoying this sandwich and then - boom. i was reminded that i don't write here enough.

a woman came outside to tell me she reads this blog. and to introduce herself. and to tell me which comment she'd left - one i remember being significant on the day it was left. and anyway, i didn't even ask her name.

i'm sorry.

the past several months.

2011-06-02T17:10:00.002-05:00

i am starting a new job tomorrow. what? yes.
i know.
this is my third new job in the past 14 months. but this one, this transition, was entirely my choice.
and do you know something? that choice felt good.

i'm going to kuhn & wittenborn. i'll be working on local clients doing everything from tv to digital to print to branding. i'm excited. for the change. to see a choice play out that was all mine. to meet new people, do new work and make new friends.

i've also been blogging every other wednesday for the ad club of kansas city. about ideas and words and copy and being creative.

and i've been running. still. but not in paris, i only ran once there. that's because we walked up to 10 miles a day to see things we'd never seen before.

and while i was there, i broke my no meat rule. and i ate organ meat and smoked duck and duck tartar and you know, when in paris...

did you know that most people there have pale skin and dark hair and hardly any boobs and are tallish and thinish and did you know that i am like 40 percent french. and going there - being around people who looked like me - did wonders for my self-esteem. i guess you could say it was a trip 32 years in the making.

and i'm thankful for it.

paris.

2011-06-02T11:34:00.001-05:00

we just got back from paris.
my lifelong dream has been to go to the city where people walk around with a baguette
and ride bikes with a basket full of produce
and fall in love beneath the eiffel tower
while talking about how mind-blowing that trip to the louvre was.
and the dali museum.
and monet's garden.
holy, hell - the garden.

we didn't go to the garden.
but we did carry a baguette around. every day.
and when we saw the eiffel tower for the first time
i cried.

hi.

2011-04-03T14:14:00.001-05:00

i'm going to be over here for a while.

2011-01-25T18:16:00.001-06:00

things i'd say to me then. from now.

a poetic tale about dander.

2011-01-23T13:59:00.003-06:00

i'm in a never-ending battle with pet hair. the more i dust, sweep, vacuum, yell, the more hair there is. piles in the corner. on the stove. falling from the sky. dancing around the vents. on my pillow. on my coat. on my toothbrush.

it's gross. really, really gross. and it's making me sick.
literally.
i'm allergic to pet hair. and dust.
but still i press on - hiding my white flag in a secret place i hope to forget.
and i clean. and scrub. and wash my hands. then clean some more.
and then wash. my hands. again.
rinsing the dander down the drain.
because the other option is get rid of the pets.
which is neither a reality nor a possibility.
because i love them (both) too much.
so i'll rage on in the battle of sinuses versus dander and hair and dust.
never surrendering.
always sneezing.

today.

2011-01-22T22:12:00.002-06:00

today, i played candyland. i took photos on a princess camera. i gave baths, hugs and shared a snack. and when i left, i heard a sad voice say, "but i want her to stay for dinner."

that sad voice made my day. (maybe even my year.)

i so love being an aunt.

dreams.

2011-01-19T11:32:00.002-06:00

last night, b and i had almost the same dream. this isn't the first time that's happened. but every time it's just as odd. strange. creepy.

i guess we're pretty close.

speaking of dreams, have i ever told you that when i went to school for magazine journalism, my dream was to end up at the New Yorker or Esquire?

funny, i've never even been to New York.

working on MLK day.

2011-01-17T13:10:00.001-06:00

means a lonely lunch-hour walk.

making the most of it.

2011-01-14T09:57:00.003-06:00

this morning, i went for a run in the snow.
i loved every second of it. it was hard. exhilarating. perfect. quiet.
last year, i ran in the snow a lot. but after a year, your body forgets.
how much it works muscles you're not used to using.
the thrill of the crunch, crunch, crunch.
the shocked looks you receive from drivers, bundled up inside their heated cars.
the sure-footed strides.
the ones that aren't.
the way it feels to, finally, conquer winter.

taxman.

2011-01-10T21:29:00.000-06:00

covered.

2011-01-10T14:23:00.008-06:00

big, white flakes cover the
filth.
the exposed roots.
the death in every
front
yard.
brown grass.
leafless trees.
patio furniture - naked without summer's cushions.
no pinks or yellows.
or even patterns.
just rusty wrought iron
and dry, crackling wood.
the promise of spring suffocating beneath
the death grip of
winter.

small.

2011-01-07T13:34:00.002-06:00

my new office has two windows. they both overlook the two loft buildings i've lived in downtown. and if i squint, i can pretend to see over the broadway bridge to vml, where i worked for 3 years. on the way to work, i pass the kansas city star and barkley. both places i've worked. both places i've loved.

and as i settle in to having an office with a door that i can shut. to being able to play music without needing headphones. to the new street and the new view and the new co-workers, i am struck, again, but how much of my life has centered around the same several-block radius.

2011.

2011-01-03T08:44:00.002-06:00

i start my new job tomorrow. today's filled with running around. hot yoga. and one. last. day. of. rest.

it's been a great vacation. i've slept until 9 or 9:30 every day. i ran close to 40 miles. i ate good food. spent time with good people. and fell in love all over again with B.

here's to what 2011 will bring. mostly goodness, i hope.

an early taste of spring.

2010-12-30T17:15:00.002-06:00

Today it was 67 degrees. It was also December 30.
Last year at this time, there was snow on the ground. Or maybe it had melted. But there had been piles and piles and piles of cold, wet, ugly snow.

Not today.

Today was perfect.

Tonight, I'm wearing my new Anthropologie apron. Making lentil soup for my sinuses that are neither clear nor painless.

But I'm aslo drinking wine. And I have a special bottle chilling for later. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe later tonight during a marathon of Dexter. Yes, we've fallen in love with Dexter.

Oh and did I tell you how much I love T.J. Maxx?

Took some Christmas money there and got a $100 straightener for $25. And a new tea kettle in the most lovely retro shade of green.

Just looking at it makes me happy.

christmas this year.

2010-12-24T22:09:00.003-06:00

we already opened our gifts.
and made cookies for santa.
we made pizzas and had appetizers.
holiday martinis
and wine.
we sprinkled the lawn with reindeer food
and tucked our niece snug into "her" bed.
cleaned up.
found a hole in the fingerless gloves i bought b. ironic.
tried on our gifts.
and i cried because the christmas card he wrote me
was so sweet.
tomorrow, santa will have come.
and we will relive christmas through the eyes of a 3-year-old.

saying goodbye.

2010-12-20T17:43:00.003-06:00

in two days i'll say goodbye to the white and red building.
the rocket.
the spot where i sit and
type
think
talk
laugh
and type some more.
to the red booths where we've been eating lunch
and the oddly shaped green table we've been avoiding.
to the shuffle board table i never used
the four kegs
the strange mingling of two, sometimes three, songs
one from downstairs
one right above my head.
the free popcorn
and ice cream
the paid-for cell phone plan
the clients
and the mouse traps under the fridge.

and all of those things. each one. i will miss.

but not as much as the people.
the friends
the ones who have made the last seven weeks tolerable.
(and the last year a hell of a lot of fun.)

damn, i'm going to miss them.

According to Teddy.

2010-12-15T22:06:00.000-06:00

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt.

oh, panini.

2010-12-15T21:46:00.003-06:00

we got a cuisinart panini press for free.
FOR FREE.
it pretty much rocks.
tonight, i had an eggplant, raw goat cheese, avocado, spinach and jalapeno panini.
it was amazing.
so crusty and crunchy and toasty and made on a free panini press that was delivered to our door yesterday. free. FREE.

i like free things.

tomorrow, i'm going to become a redhead.

(squeal.)

today, i braved the post office.

2010-12-13T21:55:00.002-06:00

and sent a signed job offer letter back to my future employer. i start january 4. (huge sigh of relief happening right...now.)

the first snow.

2010-12-11T21:50:00.000-06:00

and, today i got a job offer. a good one. stay tuned.

sleeping soldiers.

2010-12-09T11:35:00.001-06:00

cheap lunch.

2010-12-08T15:47:00.002-06:00

hi, internet.
yesterday was a very good day.
i'm excited about the future.
and then today a creative director from another state called me directly.
at work.
to tell me how much he liked my portfolio.
and that he would like to hire me.
and i listened and checked out his agency's work.
and then, i went to the plaza for an appointment with my therapist.
and realized i've been feeling a lot better lately.

wait, what? therapist?
yes.
and i bet you should see one, too.

anyway,
after that i went to panera.
i ordered a bagel with hummus, avocado, tomato and cucumber.
they charged me $1.

that was the best damned $1 lunch i've ever had.

oh and hey, my brother and his wife had a baby yesterday.
eliad.
i'm now an aunt times three.

finally, friday.

2010-12-03T16:37:00.001-06:00

creating.

2010-12-02T16:12:00.004-06:00

i am staring at these words on a page that may or may not get torn apart by the client or a creative director or me.
and
one
by
one
i tear them down.
until all that is left is white
endless, overflowing, laughing-at-me white.

and then, bit by bit, letter by letter, i rebuild.

finally.

2010-11-30T21:23:00.003-06:00

after years of debating about one thing, i've done gone and decided to do it.

do what?, you ask.

color my hair.

semi-permanently.

red.

copperish.

my appointment is in two weeks.

who wants to take bets on whether or not i keep it.

unfortunately, fortunately true.

2010-11-29T15:03:00.004-06:00

crazy.

2010-11-27T23:17:00.001-06:00

i went overboard tonight and reviewed like 7 places on yelp.

one of which is waldo pizza.
tried the vegan pizza for the first time tonight.

i want it again. now.

i also want these.

today.

2010-11-23T13:00:00.004-06:00

it's one of those days where i'm listening to two songs.
passing afternoon by iron and wine.
and
poison oak by bright eyes.

on repeat.
just those two.
over and over and over and
over.

and then you come over and ask me about things.
and even though you don't really know what to say,
you mean well.

you say i'll land on my feet.
i want to believe it.

then i think about yesterday, and i worry that i ate too many fries
and not enough substance
and that i wish the salad i brought for lunch was chocolate
and sushi
instead of boring
spinach
olive oil
cauliflower
and a green bell pepper.

so i try to write these headlines.
concepts for one of my last assignments
here.

and i listen,
"there are things that drift away, like our endless numbered days."
and i delight in the irony.

i need to tell you something.

2010-11-22T09:39:00.003-06:00

last weekend, i turned 31.
after a lovely, amazing, perfect dinner at justus drugstore, we were rear-ended by a guy driving a new mercedes. he did not have insurance.

this wasn't just a fender-bender, mind you. we were stopped and i don't think i heard him try to break.

my bumper is decimated.
and my back hatch door is dented.

i have whiplash.

so i went to the doctor for the whiplash. got an x-ray.
it showed arthritic changes in my back.
what?
what!
i just turned
31.

31.
not, 45.
or even 41.
31.

okay, so there's that.

on my actual birthday, the day after the wreck, i stayed in bed a long time because of the pain and opened gifts from beneath my down comforter.

i got a garmin forerunner.
and for a moment, i forgot how much pain i was and squealed like a kid on christmas.
and then i went running. (did you really think i would wait a day to try out the garmin?)
and it actually made the whiplash feel better. not perfectly better, but better.

maybe the moral here is the same thing i got tattooed on my arm just under two years ago.
"in darkness, a light shines."

and perhaps until i really learn to take hold of this promise, i will continue to go through things that are supposed to teach me.

but, to be honest, i'm pretty ready to stop learning this lesson for awhile.

collateral damage.

2010-11-19T22:12:00.002-06:00

i'm not the only one looking for work. if you need amazing, creative talent, check here first.

questions.

2010-11-17T18:58:00.003-06:00

i don't know why i've always let
other people's opinions
define
me.
me.
m.
e.
jessi.
writer.
creative spirit.
artist.
maybe it's green.
envy, sure.
but money, yes.
living is bills
and payments
and the cost of food
and fuel
and essentials like
clothes
medication
heat.

heat.

in a winter that already feels too cold.
dead.
void of beauty
and the promise
of
spring.

i don't know why i do this.
i think maybe it's
human nature.

defining moments.

2010-11-17T15:37:00.002-06:00

i had a conversation today that could turn into a defining moment in my life.

could.

or it could completely and utterly crush my spirit, drive, creative willpower and goals.

i'll figure out what it will do tomorrow.

tonight, i need more kleenex.

turning older.

2010-11-10T20:33:00.004-06:00

my birthday is on sunday.
i am turning 31.
31.
holy, shit.
i am turning 31.
i remember turning 21.
i remember what i drank, who came to my birthday dinner, what gifts i received.
my dad threw me a family brunch. at filios. there were like 30 of us. and mimosas. i think i had a mimosa.

last year, i turned 30. i was on the brink of landing my dream job. i was on the brink of getting engaged. my bad haircut was growing out. things were looking up.

this year, i'm not feeling as optimistic.

and my head. oh, my head.
it's so stuffed
up
i can't
breathe.

and i'm really hoping that by sunday
or saturday, even,
i'm cured.

please, god.
send me a cure.

cure.

2010-11-09T20:25:00.003-06:00

i woke up with a terrible sore throat at 1 a.m. it was even worse at 6:15 when my alarm went off. so i went to a walgreens take care clinic at 4. i was there until 6.

it smelled like urine and body odor.

bad.

they sent a strep test culture out.

i bought kleenex and eye makeup remover and an impulse bag of bagel chips.

on the way home ( a five minute drive ), i ate half the bag.

i hope bagel chips are the cure for whatever is ailing me.

the best part of my weekend.

2010-11-08T21:43:00.000-06:00

today.

2010-11-06T16:10:00.002-05:00

i haven't been sleeping. it's like my body shot right back to the anxiety-ridden mass of matter it was two years ago. a year ago. for a year.

and eating is hard, too.
i have no appetite. at all. not even for the braised snails at extra virgin.
or the grilled bread with ricotta.

but i do have more optimism this time.
mostly because my time at barkley has been edifying. i've made some great friends. i've grown my portfolio. i've proven to myself that i can do things i wasn't sure i could do before i started there.

and now, i must prove to myself that i can go through the job search again. that i can do the whole 'unemployed' thing again.

because last time it nearly killed me, i vow for this time to be better.

less soul killing.

but for now, i must get through the next 7 weeks.

full circle.

2010-11-03T22:22:00.002-05:00

as things often do in this industry, things changed.
and i've found myself without a job again.
well, soon.

i've updated my portfolio. and, if you have any relevant leads. any at all, please. please. send them my way.

i'll be trying to keep my chin up over here in the meantime.

www.jessiwithrow.carbonmade.com

my non-slutty costume. and b.

2010-11-02T19:23:00.001-05:00

he was 'unfrozen caveman lawyer.' i was an angel. which i am every day. just without the wings.
(wink.)

tying things together.

2010-11-01T14:01:00.003-05:00

saturday night, over a couple of glasses of st supery sauvignon blanc, i attempted to tie slutty halloween costumes to the fact that women still get paid less than men for the same job.

something about women perpetuating the stereotype the we deserve less respect.

anyway, i'm not sure it's an argument i could wrap up in 100 words, but i bet if i spent time researching, interviewing, digging deep...i could close the loop on this thought.

in the meantime, i'll be basking in a self-righteous glow because i wore pants to a halloween party. and i also had on a shirt.

on ideas.

2010-10-29T09:39:00.005-05:00

not every idea you have is going to be a good one. this is especially frustrating when you are in the idea-generating business. when you get paid to come up with new ways to say things. to make things look. to communicate with people who have bombarded brains.

but the challenge is not to come up with the best ideas. the challenge is to recognize an idea that is not good before it takes over and puts your thinking and the rest of the ideas into this box that is really hard to break out of.

who likes to work inside a proverbial box that's likely filled with sh*tty ideas that you convinced yourself were good?

right.

so maybe it happens in the shower. or on a run. or while you're in the middle of something completely unrelated to anything else. but it hits you. and the idea that seemed brilliant last week is now an embarrassment.

but wait. you shared that in a brainstorm. and then presented it to your creative director. and it's in the art director's hands. being formed and tweaked and made pretty.

it's not too late. if it was your sh*tty idea, make it better. there is always time to make an idea better.

always.

well, mostly always.

but you should always try.

and never stop writing down the next best greatest idea that you think might change the face of the idea business.

even if in two days it ends up in the trashcan.

i usually.

2010-10-27T08:27:00.002-05:00

eat spinach.
go running.
trip on things i shouldn't.
get random bruises.
french-press my coffee.
avoid dairy.
hate when it gets dark early.
love my birthday month.
over-celebrate my birthday.
window shop.
think about dying my hair.
tweet.
facebook.
write.
take photos.
wish i was better at taking photos.
get excited when i discover new music.
consume more olive oil than most people.
secretly think that makes me healthier.
like my job.
am awkward.
say things that make me seem nerdy.
wonder what people think about me.
try not to do the 'elevator smile.'
give too many high-fives.
wish i had more time to walk my dog.
drink wine.
go to bed by 10.
dream about random things.
have at least one nightmare per night.
work on not being so anxious.
sigh.
ask my husband for a back rub.
smile.

nude.

2010-10-26T13:52:00.001-05:00

i didn't buy any pumpkins this year.
my front step feels naked.

MIZ.

2010-10-25T13:33:00.002-05:00

the last time MU beat Oklahoma was in 1998. i was a college freshman who thought i had everything figured out. the world was my oyster. i was free to become someone i couldn't become under my parent's roof.

saturday night, i watched them beat Oklahoma again. and this little part of my heart ached because i wanted to be there. i wanted to follow the goalpost to harpos. i wanted to be wearing black and gold, singing the fight song, losing my voice from excitement.

and even though i wanted to be in columbia, i didn't want to be that 19-year-old.

no. i'm a lot wiser now.

fall.

2010-10-22T14:19:00.002-05:00

fall used to be my favorite season.
crunching new leaves on campus.
the smell of freshly cracked books. ink and paper and dust.
nights that were cool enough for scarves and jackets and a really great pair of boots. maybe knee socks. gloves. hot cups of chai. spiked cider.
football games that didn't warm up until the end of the second half.
tailgates and study sessions and panera on 9th.
late nights at the j school library sort of studying, mostly gossiping. eating chocolate chip cookies i baked using my mother's recipe. the one that's just buttery and salty enough to be better than all other recipes.
and always, always, the calm before winter. before riding bikes was out of season. and walks. and running. and wearing anything but water-proof boots and mittens.

fall used to be my favorite season.
but i think i'm turning into more of a spring girl now.

things i want that i don't need.

2010-10-21T14:17:00.002-05:00

a new purse. from anthropologie.
a garmin forerunner 110.
red hair.
another vacation.
a double vanity for the upstairs bathroom.
a fire pit.
a piano. (an upright would be just fine.)
a notebook that is almost too pretty to write in. almost.
a barrel of pumpkins with which to decorate my front step.
a maid.
a massage.
a new pair of sevens.
a chef's kitchen.
a new knife set.
this lip-plumper think i saw on dr. oz.
a million new cardigans.

recovery.

2010-10-20T09:10:00.003-05:00

my road rash is feeling better. and i was even able to do an easy run last night.

i guess it's pretty common to feel depressed right after a race. and it didn't help that i fell like a 4-year-old and have lost the ability to wash my hair with both hands.

anyway, i was feeling blue.

but i think i'm healing. and my attitude is looking up.

it helps that today at work we only are here till noon. then, we get "kidnapped." we don't know where we are going, but who can be upset about mandatory fun?

breakthrough.

2010-10-18T15:45:00.001-05:00

i had one today.

also, my knee is pretty f'd up from my fall yesterday.
and daiya vegan cheese does not taste like cheese, no matter what people say.

um.

2010-10-17T16:09:00.003-05:00

so i forgot the no-running-after-racing rule.
and i set off today for an easy 3-mile jog. to loosen my muscles. or something.
it was going fine until i tripped on the sidewalk, flew into the air, and then slid down the sidewalk on my hands, knees and stomach. (in the position one assumes when going down a water slide.)

i tripped because my muscles were sore and i was shuffle-running instead of running-running. read: i wasn't picking my feet up very much.

so now i have road rash. all over. my right knee is swollen. my hands hurt so bad i could barely shower. and trying to do anything really is a joke.

i'm sort of pissed at myself.

update.

2010-10-16T21:31:00.003-05:00

for dinner, i had half a bottle of wine and four pieces of pizza from spin.
four.
it was topped with eggplant, cheese, goat cheese, arugula and (gasp) pancetta.
i broke the no-cheese, no-meat rule. i broke it hard.

good night.

done. unofficial time:1:57:35.

2010-10-16T14:37:00.002-05:00

i broke 2 hours. i was faster last year, but i still kept my time to UNDER 9 minutes per mile. just under. but under.
b sent me a text right when i was at mile 10 telling me how proud he was of me. i was hurting really bad at that point, so his sweet text made me cry. running down the finishing chute i thought i was going to puke. but i didn't.

just woke up from a 2-hour nap and am stuffing my face with carbs soaked in olive oil, topped with avocado.

what?

13.1 tomorrow.

2010-10-15T13:54:00.003-05:00

i'm much more relaxed about tomorrow's half marathon than i usually am.
probably because my leg doesn't hurt like it did last year.
and it is supposed to be 50 degrees at the start - not 30 degrees.
and it won't be raining.
and i'm not eating raw fish for dinner.
instead, i'm making naan pizza.
and drinking a glass or two of wine.
and rolling out on my foam roller.
watching a movie.
going to bed before 10.
waking up at 5:30.
drinking 1 cup of coffee.
which will hopefully get things movin'
(if you know what i mean.)
and then i'll go line up in a nervous-energy filled group
of thousands of runners
by the 9 minute pace time marker
and then,
then,
THEN is when i will be nervous.
because my training runs have been coming in closer to 9.4 minute miles.
slower than i was last year.
much slower.
i think it's age.
or maybe
that i'm not eating meat anymore.
but whatever it is
i'll try to take it in stride
and just be happy that i'm running
that i can run 13.1 miles.
even though we all know that i will be pissed if i don't finish in under 2 hours.

finding.

2010-10-10T22:33:00.003-05:00

it is no mistake that my sister was born the day before b and that my grandpa was born the day before b's momma.

mistakes don't happen.

it is also no mistake that i went to church today and was completely challenged by the message. challenged in a way that i'd been missing. challenged to keep going. keep following. keep loving.

anyway, in the same moments that i'm reminded i have no control, i'm also reminded who is in control. and for some reason, that's comforting. thank god.
thank.
god.

today

2010-10-08T11:18:00.002-05:00

today is b's birthday.
because he was born i have someone who understands me
and when he doesn't, he tries harder.
he thinks i'm funny
and pretty.
beautiful, even.
he thinks i'm smart.
he makes me smarter.
he eats whatever i cook,
and thinks it's amazing. even when it's vegan.
he helps me with everything
so i never feel like i am the one having to do it all.
he's the perfect partner to everything i do.
i'm so lucky.
so,
so lucky.

success.

2010-10-05T16:07:00.002-05:00

yesterday, i did something i normally don't do.
i had company over for dinner. on a week night.
and it was so easy because b helped.
he picked up the groceries so that i could get a run in before company arrived.
he made the burgers, grilled them, helped with the dishes, impressed me.

and i was still in bed by 9:30.

he's so great.
and i'm so old.

welcoming autumn.

2010-10-04T10:38:00.000-05:00